2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

He put out a job ad looking for a marketing executive. One day, a candidate shows up at the office and is greeted by the owner: “Good morning, sir.” “Good morning. I'm here for the job posting.” “Yes, sir, I’m in real trouble... I’m about to go under.” “Tell me, my friend, what’s the name of your company?” “Smith’s Nail Company.” “What kind of trashy name is that? How the hell are you supposed to sell anything with that garbage?” “I’m desperate, sir... I don’t know what to do anymore.” “Trust me. Give me fifteen days, and Smith’s Nails will be known all over the world.” “What do I need to do?” “Go to the beach.” “The beach?” “I said go to the beach and stop asking questions!” A few days later, the owner finally decided to take the advice and headed to the beach with his wife. He was driving down the highway when he looked up at a hillside and saw a giant billboard showing Jesus nailed to the cross. Underneath, in big red letters, it said: “Smith’s Nails — Holding Strong for 2000 Years.” He slammed on the brakes, grabbed his phone, and called the executive: “Take that billboard down right now, you idiot! The church is going to sue me! What the hell were you thinking?” “I did it for the marketing, sir...” “Take it down, you moron!” “Alright, sir,” said the executive. A week later, the man went back to the beach. He looked up at the hillside to check if the billboard was still there... and it was. Same billboard — except now there was just the cross. Jesus was lying on the ground, and underneath, in big white letters, it said: “Should’ve used Smith’s Nails.”

This was the first time the 21 year-old had brought a man home to meet her parents. Her mother slaved over a hot stove all day, while the father cleaned the house and cut the grass. They both wore their best clothes and waited for their daughter. At 8pm they heard the doorbell ring. They opened the door and she was standing next to a huge man, full of tattoos, and a face that looked like it had been in every possible fight, with scars aplenty crossing his face. He looked like he beats people up for a living. After some hesitant pleasantries, the shocked parents take their daughter to the kitchen. "What the hell?" asked her mother, "Why would you date a guy like that, he looks like a thug!" "You've got him all wrong," the daughter replied, irritated, "He's an incredibly nice and charitable guy." "What makes you say that?" asked her father. "Well, just this month he spent 250 hours serving his community!"

As he's driving along a country road, with wind blowing through what's left of his hair, he hears a siren. He realizes he's been speeding the whole time, so he thinks "I have a sports car, I'll just outrun the cop!" and zooms off. After a bit he thinks "What the hell am I doing?" and pulls over. The cop gets out and walks to his window, and says "Look it's been a long day. It's Friday the 13th and a full moon at the same time. If you can tell me an excuse I haven't heard before, you're free to go." The man thinks for a second and says "My wife left me for a police officer. I thought you were trying to give her back." "Have a good day, sir."

A drunk gets home at four in the morning, looks at the clock, and says: “Shiiit… my wife’s gonna kill me.” Before heading to the bedroom, he sets the clock back to midnight. Drunk, but clever. He walks into the bedroom, and his partner, who’s been waiting for him, says: “And you?” “And me what?” “You’re drunk.” “Yeah, so?” “And what time do you think it is, huh?” “Early! It’s midnight, look.” He shows her the clock. She checks the time and says: “Oh... you’re right.” She goes back to bed. And he, feeling proud and cozy, thinks to himself: “Pulled it off. I’m safe.” A little while later he wakes up and says: “Babe...” “What do you want?” “Can you bring me a glass of water?” “Okay…” she says, quietly resigned. She gets up and heads to the kitchen. But when she sees the clock there, she realizes it’s actually four in the morning. She storms back into the bedroom and says: “Hey!” “What?” “It’s four in the freakin’ morning!” And the drunk goes: “What?! You’ve got no shame? Four damn hours just to get a glass of water?! Shit!”

He walks in and the madam asks him how old he is, and he replies that it's his 16th birthday. She tells him that he's not old enough and to come back when he's 18, and to start practicing by fucking squirrel holes. So, this guy starts banging squirrel holes all summer, all winter, and gets really good at it. He returns to the whorehouse on his 17th birthday, thinking she won't recognize him, or care, because he looks much older now. The madam asks him again how old he is, he replies 17. She told him not to come back until he's 18 and to keep fucking squirrel holes for practice. He puts his heart and soul into fucking squirrel holes for another year and returns to the whorehouse on his 18th birthday. The madam tells him to go upstairs to room 6, her name is Cindy. About three minutes later Cindy starts screaming for help. The madam runs upstairs and kicks the door in and sees the birthday boy with a broomstick in his hand. She asks him what the hell he's doing, and he says "I'm checking these damn holes for squirrels first"

looking for a crew to join. He finds a grizzled old captain in the corner, and gives him his pitch. “I’m a great pirate, I’ve been on plenty of crews, can climb the ropes faster than anyone, and will work any job. Please take me on.” The captain shakes his head and turns his back to the pirate. So he tries again, “listen, I’m a hard worker, you can take half my rations and all my gold, I just really need to get out of here!” The captain looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but my ship is full- I can’t take anyone else on or we’re all doomed.” Seeing the confused look on the pirates face, the captain continues. “Listen, as pirates, we’re a bunch of criminals, scoundrels, and fiends. But we’re at capacity. If I let you on my ship, we’d have one extra “Arrrrrr”, and we’d all be friends.”

She excitedly goes to her husband, and shows him the ad. "Look honey," she says, "It's in two days and only $1,000!" "I'll be honest with you," said her husband, "I have too much work for a cruise. How about you go and have a good time?" His wife is a bit disappointed but bounces back and decides she will have a good time anyway. The next day, the husband is in his office when his co-worker, who is also his mistress, comes to him excitedly. "Hey babe," she says, "There's this cruise tomorrow that is on sale! Only $1,000!" "I'm really not into cruises, to be honest," he replied, "Here's $1,000, why don't you go and have a good time?" She agrees, and as it turns out, both his wife and his mistress ended up going on the same cruise. A few days later, his wife comes back from the cruise. As she tells her husband how much fun she had, she shows him photos she took. While looking them over, he notices that his lover is in some of the photos in the background. He points to her and asks his wife: "Who's she?" "Oh, her," sniffs his wife disdainfully, "I call her the cruise-slut because she slept with half of the men there." The next day, the husband goes to the office and gets the same excited story accompanied by photos from his mistress. Once again, he sees a familiar face in some of the photos - his wife. He then points to his wife and asks: "Who is she?" "Oh, her," his mistress replies, "She's such a nice woman, with all the men on board, she never left her husband's side for a second!"

After struggling to get the door open, and stumbling into the house, he sees his wife waiting for him in the living room. She launches into a tirade, berating the man. Telling him how he's a worthless drunk, a shitty husband, how her dad was right about him, ect. She finishes her speech by pointing to the sheep and saying "And what the fuck is that?" The man is standing there swaying slightly and clearly trying to hold it together. After looking back and forth between his wife and the sheep, he slurs "This is the pig I fuck when you have a headache" The wife yells back "That's not a pig you drunken moron!" The man looks at the wife and says "I wasn't talking to you."

A very old man has played golf on Saturday mornings for decades; but never achieved a hole in one. One rainy Saturday, with no one else on the course, the old man lands his first hole in one ever; but no witnesses. he reaches into the tin cup and pulls out a frog with a gold crown. The frog says: I’m a magic frog. I witnessed your first hole in one. I can grant you one wish. Would you like: - a solid gold set of golf clubs ? - a lifetime membership to any exclusive golf course in the world ? - or find yourself on a beach in the Riviera, surrounded by bikini babes ? The old man starts shoving the frog into his pants pocket. The magic frog says: Easy, Buddy! Take it easy! What are you doing? The old man replies: “At my age ……. My wish is to have a talking frog”.

She opens it and reads: *"My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn. Please don't be upset, I shall be back before midnight."* When the man came home late that night, he found a reply to his letter on the dining room table: *"My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. I would like to inform you that, while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with one of my students, who is also an assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, he is 18. You, being a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of mathematics, will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18..."*