2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

There once was a pimp named 4AM. He was making his rounds when he found some of his girls arguing with a man on a street corner. Without hesitation, he inserted himself and demanded an explanation for why he was "harassing these ladies, man?" He began to get a rundown of what had occurred just twenty minutes prior, which went something like this: His escort, Gia, propositioned a middle-aged man wearing thick glasses and a grey duster. The man was, at first, taken aback, but then launched into a diatribe about the oldest profession and it's effects on commerce, religion, and societal norms. While he seemed adamantly against prostitution on a moral level, he also adhered to morals being something abstract and not to hold a place in business transactions or government regulation, and, really, what even was life, what was existence, if throttled by moral concepts, which really are just constructs that stem from brains overly concerned with societal position? He was so zestful in saying all this, that Gia was a bit overwhelmed. Another escort, Metrie, was already walking toward her, and joined to give Gia some support, as she seemed to be a touch weary very quickly. Metrie commenced to try to talk the man down and ascertain if he was a threat to Gia. Unaware of how much he was scaring the girls, the man took an abrupt step toward them, and they were immediately frightened into flight. The pimp interrupted the story at this point. "Where dis happen?" he asked. "Right here?" "No," said Metrie, who proceeded to point at a far street corner, "I think there, 4AM." But another girl chimed in, whose name was Filly, "That's when they ran into us. Me and Sophie heard the commotion, and then we found them running from this crazy man, and we were trying to fend him off when you got here." "I wasn't trying to do anything," stammered the would-be client. "I-I was merely explaining the meaning of philosophy as it relates to these... to these women and their profession. Well, really, how life--h-how thought--" "Listen, man" interrupted 4AM, as he placed a hand on the fellow's shoulder. "I think your problem is you were tryin' ta put Descartes before de whores."

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away, so he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all looking to get married, so you've come to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter, and the next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "She's just a little bit, not that you would notice, pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls, so he went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a little bit, not that you would notice, cross-eyed." Again the farmer nodded and suggested the man date the third girl to see if things might be better, so he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" They were wed right away, and months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby, while cute, had the ugliest face he ever saw. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a little bit, not that you would notice, pregnant when you met her."

He got two egrets, four herons, and several spoonbills. Once they were situated in the waterfowl exhibit, most of the birds took to their new surroundings easily, but one of the egrets and one of the spoonbills were clearly unhappy, refusing to eat or socialize or even explore the enclosure. So he took these two birds back to the dealer to ask if he could replace them. The dealer said that he'd be happy to provide a replacement for the sick spoonbill, but unfortunately he would not be able to give the zookeeper a substitute egret, as that would conflict with his philosophy toward life. "And what philosophy would that be?" asked the zookeeper. The dealer replied: "No re egrets."

Talking Dog A guy walks into an empty bar with no money, but he has a dog. He tells the barkeep: “Since you’re having a slow day, if I can get my dog to talk, it would deserve a free shot. The bartender agrees. The man asks the dog: “What is sandpaper like?” The dog replies: “rough”. The bartender laughs and gives the man a free shot. The man says: “My dog can really talk, give him another chance.” The bartender reluctantly agrees. The man asks the dag: “Fido, what’s on top of this building?” The dog replies: “roof” The man gets his second drink. He tells the bartender: “Give us just one more chance, I’m telling you the dog can talk!” The bartender says: “ One last chance, if he just barks, I’m throwing you two out of the bar!” The man asks the dog: “Who is the greatest baseball player ever?” The dog replies: “Ruuuuth” The bartender grabs the dog by the scruff, and the man by the collar and throws them out through the door, to the sidewalk. The dog looks up to the man and says: “I guess that I should have said: DiMaggio!”

So he decides to test this theory. He convenes all the couples he can find at a special seminar. He then starts by asking the many people in the audience. “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. "How many of you make love once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. No grins could be sighted. “OK, how about once a year?” To his shock, one man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands and whistling. The therapist is shocked - this man's reaction completely disproves his theory! “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?” The man shouts: "Today’s my birthday!”

Guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I'm going nuts, you gotta help me." "Every night, I go to sleep, and I dream the same dream. I'm driving a long-distance truck across the country - I wake up every morning exhausted. I'm getting no rest, my real work is suffering, what can I do?" The doc thinks a bit, and says, "Okay, try this. Tonight, when you're asleep, and you're getting ready to get in your truck... call me. I'll come over and drive your shift for you, you can take the night off and sleep. Let me know how this goes." The next morning, the doc gets a call from his patient. "Doc, you're a genius! Last night, I called you as I was getting ready to leave, you came over, I got to stay home! I woke up refreshed, today is gonna be wonderful!" The doctor is really proud of himself, but tells the guy to come in next week anyway, in case the plan breaks down. Patient shows up, tells the doc he's never felt better, every night he gets a full night's sleep because the doc has been driving his truck, he's over the moon. The psychiatrist is happy too - fastest 'cure' he's ever seen. A couple of months later, someone new comes in. "I don't know what to do - I'm having the same dream every night. I go to sleep and then I'm supposed to take a fishing trawler out... I wake up every morning exhausted, every muscle hurts. I can't go on like this!" The doctor says "Don't worry, I had a patient like this before, I've got you. Tonight, after you go to sleep, when you're getting ready to get on the boat, give me a call. I'll come over and take your shift for you. Try this for a week, come back and see me on Tuesday." Tuesday, the guy comes back - he looks awful. Clothes in disarray, hasn't washed, hasn't shaved. Doc says "What happened? Didn't you call me to take your shift for you?" "Yeah, doc, I called you. And called you. And called you. Every night, I'd call you up... and every night, your wife would tell me you were out driving some stupid truck!"

Two farm hands were working on a big farm in Australia. They were very good workers, but typical young guys and very horny. The farm owner's daughter was also a bit randy but word on the farm that she was "off limits" and the owner had a nasty streak when it came to anyone who crossed him. One hot night the farm hands got to drinking and had quite a lot of beer. The farm owner's daughter, seeing her chance, sneaks out to their cabin and has her merry way with both farm hands. The next morning the farm hands are woken abruptly by the farm owner. He's shaking them and shouting about how they've defiled his daughter and they were going to pay! Both lads, hung over and scared shitless, are trudged out by the farm owner into the yard. The farm owner tells them they'll be punished. The lads are really panicking now, and the owner says "You're both good workers. But you've broken my number one rule. So both of you go out to different parts of the farm and pick 100 pieces of fruit. Bring them back to me when you're done." The first farm hand is a bit of a sneaky bugger, so he goes to the nearby grape vines and picks 100 grapes. Puts them in a big bucket and scampers back to the farm owner, hopeful that being fast would help him get off a bit lighter. The farm owner, clearly still furious, tells the farm hand "Right. Stick each of those 100 grapes up your arse. Do that and you're off the hook". The farm hand, shocked but still scared of the owner, drops his trousers and starts cramming grapes up his butt. He gets to nearly 90 grapes when he starts laughing and can't control himself. He's crying from laughter and continues to laugh so hard the grapes all fall out of his arse in a steaming pile of shit and grapes on the floor. The farm owner, who'd been watching angrily, really lets fly. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You were nearly done! Is this funny mate? What the fuck are you laughing for?" The farm hand, wiping tears from his eyes and staring at the mound of grapes on the floor, finally gets control of himself. He looks up at the farm owner and says "Sorry. I couldn't help it, I really couldn't. Half way through putting those grapes up my bum I remembered that my mate is out there picking 100 pineapples!"

A Man goes on holiday and asks his friend to look after his beloved cat, Tiddles. The man has a great time away and his friend picks him up at the airport on his return. "Tiddles died." Were the first words to come out of his friends mouth. The man is, of course, devastated. "You couldn't have thought of a better way to tell me that? This was brutal! You should have said something like 'I'm so sorry but Tiddles was walking along the roof and he fell off. He didn't make it.' you know, soften the blow!" His friend apologised and, despite the sadness of the situation, life went on. In time, the man went on holiday again. He had a great time and the same friend picked him up from the airport. As he saw the man at the arrivals area, the friend said "I'm so sorry, but your grandma was walking along the roof..."

There was an elegant dinner party at a castle in Scotland long ago. They served lampry pies, leg of lamb, whole slow-roasted chickens, and an assortment of the freshest vegetables from the castle gardens. The dessert, however, was going to be a surprise. All the attendees knew was that it was made with chocolate from the New World (which still was unknown to Europe, so this detail is quite baffling to this very day). Even the King didn't know how the dessert would taste. Suddenly, a rabbit broke through a priceless window of stained glass and hopped across the table. It dodged through horrified guests, bussers with various forks and knives wielded with ill-intent, and even an irate King who could throw his crown with surprising accuracy. The rabbit darted into the kitchen, scattering pots and pans everywhere in a cacophony of chaos. The cooks fled, screaming to the skies (one, the cook of Eastwick, is said to still be running even today). The King, enraged, stood and made his way into the kitchen. He immediately found the rabbit, and at the same time knew the chocolate dessert would be outstanding. How did he know? The floof was in the pudding.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a while with the librarian, a young attractive single girl, then one thing led to another, and I ended up sleeping with her”. The man stopped talking but kept weeping. “Well don’t cry, it’s a sin but it is not that bad. You should say 5 Hail Marys and it will be forgiven”. Said the priest. “But it doesn't end there” the man kept sobbing. “a few days later my elderly neighbor asked me to help her with her computer. Her husband was hospitalized and she couldn't send an email to her son. I went there and fixed the problem, but when I was about to leave, rain started pouring down. It was really stormy and I had to wait. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with the old lady” the man cried. “Oh dear well that makes it harder indeed, but still - you should say 15 Hail Marys and you will be forgiven” Said the priest. “Oh I’m afraid the worst part is still ahead” cried the man. “Yesterday I went to the barber. I was his last client that day. As soon as he finished and was about to close the shop rain started pouring down so intensely, I had to wait with him. One thing led to another and I ended up sleeping with him as well” the man cried. “Oh dear, it is indeed worse than I thought” said the priest. “So what should I do father?” the man asked. “Well” answered the priest, “you should get the fuck out of here before it starts raining!”.