2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

A Woman, who owns a pet gorilla, comes home to find that her gorilla has escaped his enclosure and has made his way up a tree in her front yard. After hours of trying to coax him down, she finally concedes to look for help. She finds an ad for an Animal Handler and makes a phone call. A short time later, a truck pulls up and a man with a cowboy hat, carrying a shotgun gets out with his dog. He approaches the distraught woman and she apprises him of the situation. He agrees to help her. The woman quickly asks him, “How are you going to get him down? He turns to the woman, hands her his shotgun, a pair of large handcuffs and describes his plan. “Ma’am, I will climb up the tree, then I will shake the branch your gorilla is sitting on, whereby he will fall to the ground. Once on the ground, my highly trained canine partner will chomp down on his balls rendering him subdued while you slap the cuffs on him until I get down from the tree.” He turns to begin his ascent up the tree when the woman calls out, “Wait! I know what to do with the handcuffs, but what is the shotgun for?” The man turns towards her as he grasps the tree trunk. “Well ma’am, if that gorilla shakes me off the branch, You Shoot That Damn Dog!”

Two babies are born in the same hospital, at the exact same time. Room 203, side by side in their little incubators. Nurses say it was adorable—both boys, blinking up at the fluorescent lights like they were already disappointed in the world. One turns his head, sees the other, and gives the tiniest nod. The other blinks, unimpressed. From that moment on, it's like they silently agreed to keep tabs on each other. They grow up in completely different cities, never meeting again. One becomes a history teacher with three ex-wives and a cat that hates him. The other ends up a jazz musician who always smelled faintly of whiskey and regret. Eighty years pass. Life happens. Wars, marriages, mortgages, prostate exams—all the highlights. Then, by some ridiculous twist of fate, they end up in the same hospital, in the same room, dying within hours of each other. The nurse says, “Wow, what a coincidence!” but neither of them is impressed. They’ve been through too much. They look at each other across their beds—old, wrinkled, tubes in every orifice imaginable. One squints and says, “You look familiar.” The other croaks out, “Room 203. 1945. Incubators.” Without missing a beat they both laugh, which quickly turns into coughing. Finally, one says, “So… what’d you think?” The other guy stares at the ceiling for a long moment and goes, “I just wish the boob-sucking part came at the end.” edit: This was unknowingly inspired by Steven Wright

They both survive, and the next day set out to explore the island. They see some seagulls, seals, coconuts, and also, rare psychoactive berries! Being who they are, they both eat a handful. Soon, they're high as balls, when they both hear singing. They jump up and rush toward the sound, thinking it's rescue, only to find a big busty mermaid coaxing them over to their boat! Overcome by lust, they both end up having sex with the mermaid before passing out on the shore. When they wake up, a coast guardsman is standing over them, glaring at them. He asks them, "What the hell happened here?" "Well," says one man, "We washed ashore in a storm!" The other, ashamed, adds, "And we did a bunch of drugs and blew a seal on our boat." Pausing, the guardsman frowns and says, "You fucked it too."

He heads straight to the bartender, orders three shots, and downs them one after the other. He scans the room, and the people shift uncomfortably. The tension is thick. Then, without a word, he walks out, and the atmosphere gradually returns to normal. Just as things begin to settle, the doors burst open. The man storms back in, guns drawn, and shouts, "My horse is missing! I'm going to order three more shots—and if it's not back where I left it before I finish, I’ll do what I did in Texas." Now, the tension is palpable. The bartender, hands trembling, begins pouring the drinks as slowly as he can, throwing anxiou looks around the room. The man finishes his second drink when someone rushes in and whispers something to him. He grunts in satisfaction and stands up. As he's about to leave, the bartender calls out hesitantly, "No disrespect, sir... but what exactly did you do in Texas?" The man pauses, then says, "Oh, nothing. I just walked home."

A rural Indian kid goes to the city for a 3rd standard school interview, after someone notices his heaven sent talent for rote learning. The kid can't comprehend English, so the school janitor who is from the same village, gives him a tip: “Sit near the interview room and memorize the answers the other kids give—the questions are usually the same.” So the kid waits outside and listens closely. One kid goes in: “Who’s the father of the nation?” “Mahatma Gandhi,” the kid replies. Second question: “Who was the first woman Prime Minister of India?” “Indira Gandhi.” The third question is random each time, so the rural kid has trouble memorizing. One kid is asked: “Are aliens real?" The rural kid memorizes like his life depends on it. Now it’s his turn. The interviewer looks at his report and feels pity. So, he sends the kid to a different room. A different interviewer ask him a much easier set of questions. “What’s your father’s name?” The kid proudly says: “Mahatma Gandhi.” The interviewer raises an eyebrow and is confused but still continues, “Your mother’s name?” “Indira Gandhi,” the kid replies. Now irritated, the interviewer asks, “Are you insane?” The kid, without missing a beat, says: “I don’t know yet... scientists are still researching!"

He greets the priest and said, "Father, I need to talk to you." "Is it a confession, my son?" asked the priest. "No, Father." the man replied, "I need to clarify something." The Priest takes the man to his private chamber. "Tell me, my son. What is it?" "Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it." Smiling, the Priest replied, "My son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: the altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself: '*I'LL ALTER HIM.'"*

Taxidermist traps them all in a room, and reveals that he's an escaped murderer, and the reporters made him look bad in a previous story. So the guy goes, "Ya'll made me look terrible, like a monster, and now you're gonna redeem yourselves. So tell me what you're gonna do, or die." First reporter says, "We'll retract the story, and say it was someone else!" Guy goes, "Great, great, that's what I wanna hear. Now you." Second reporter goes, "We'll make sure to issue an apology, and we won't cover anymore mur-accidents..." Guy goes, "Good. Good." He turns to the third reporter, "Now what about you?" Reporter says, "Nothing." "Nothing, whaddya mean nothing?" "You kidding? We're live right now! This is gonna be my best story yet!"

So he goes in and says he'd like to try out. The owner tells him, "There's the piano. Let's hear what you got." The guy plays a haunting, soulful melody that is just beautiful. The bar owner is impressed and asks the guy what song it was. "It's my own composition. I call it 'Weasels Ate My Genitals.'" Taken aback, the owner replies, "Um okay. Let's hear another one." Again, the guy plays virtuoso piano but this time it's an upbeat jazzy number that had the owner dancing in his seat. "That's great!", he said. "What's that song?" "That's mine too. It's called 'Shit in My Mouth. I Love it." The owner is shocked again but he has to have this guy in his place. He hires him but says he shouldn't tell people the names of his songs. The guy agrees. When he starts playing at the bar, he's an instant hit. Everyone is digging his music and his tip jar is full. After a nice long set, he takes a quick bathroom break. As he's coming back, a lady stops him and says, "Do you know your zipper is open and your dick is hanging out?" "Know it?", he replied."Hell lady, I *wrote* it!"

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) "Billy Bob's Barbecue". The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

returns home after many years studying and working in a rich, developed nation. When he meets up with his childhood friends, he can not stop bragging about his adopted nation. "Did you know they are so developed, their submarines travel on the ocean bed?" "What?" Exclaim his friends. "Ocean bed?". "Yes! Well, just a little above but almost." His friends are a bit annoyed at this. Next, he says, "Did you know their normal planes go into space before coming back down?" His friends are truly shocked. "Really?! Into space?" "Yes, well, a little below." Now truly annoyed, one his friend quips, "while you were away our oun country has made some amazing achievements." "Oh really," says the man skeptically. "Yeah, we have made advancements in medicine that allow people to eat through their nose." "What?" Says the shocked man. His friend replies, "Yes! Just a little below."