Need to lighten the mood at family events? These dad jokes are guaranteed to get eye rolls… and laughter! Save this list for your next reunion.
OZFox42 11 day.agoA little girl wanted to take her dog for a walk around the block......so she asked her mother.
Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the girl.
"Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied.
So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it."
Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent.
"Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine."
The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog.
Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?"
"She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbour's dog is giving her a push home."
fauxmerican1280 12 day.agoDirty Ernie ABCsOne day Dirty Ernie's teacher tells the class that they are going to play a spelling review game.
" We are going to go through the ABCs in order and I will call on person to say a word that starts with each letter. Let's start with A."
All the hands in the classroom shoot up, including Ernie's.
*He's going to say asshole* the teacher thinks to herself. She calls on Martha. "Apple!"
"Good job Martha! Now how about B?"
Again all the hands go up, and Ernie's is the highest.
*He's going to say bitch or bastard* she thinks. She calls on Ryan. "Basketball!"
"Good job Ryan!"
They continue playing, and with each letter, Ernie raises his hand; and with each letter, the teacher refuses to call on him.
Finally they get to the letter R and no one is raising their hand except Ernie.
*Hmmm I can't think of anything that bad that start with R.* "Okay Ernie, what is it?"
"Rat" he says
"Oh, yes. Good job Ernie. Rat does start wi-"
"A big fuckin rat with a cock this big!"
Necessary_Sale_67 12 day.agoThree cowboys, one campfire, and a whole lot of testosterone...Three tough cowboys were sitting around the campfire one night, bragging about how fearless and rugged they are.
The first one says:
"Just yesterday, I was walking along Dead Man’s Trail when a 12-foot rattlesnake slithered out from under a rock. I grabbed it, bit its head off, and sucked out all the venom. And here I am, still kicking!"
The second cowboy scoffs:
"That’s nothing. Last week, I was passing by old Bill’s ranch. A 500-pound bull had escaped and killed Bill, his wife, and three passersby. I grabbed that bull by the horns, flipped it upside down, and hogtied it so it couldn’t hurt anyone else."
The third cowboy didn’t say a word—he just kept poking the fire with his penis.
