2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

As they touched it, the genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you each three wishes". The first thinks for a moment and finally says, "I want a billion dollars, to be the smartest man in the world, and to have the perfect wife". Poof. The man's bank notified him of the money in his account, he suddenly had the ability to think in new, complex, and abstract ways, and a beautiful woman walked up to him and introduced herself. The second man says "I wish I was the most handsome man on earth, I was always fit and in shape, and that I could pull any good looking woman in the world." Poof. He lost about sixty pounds, was chisled like a Greek God, became devilishly handsome and suddenly had all these woman flock to him from all over the beach. The third man thought about it for a moment, then said "I wish my head would spin in a circle, my right forearm and hand would rotate like a drill, and my legs looked like an ostrich." Poof. The man's head began spinning in a circle, his right forearm and hand rotated like a drill, and he suddenly had ostrich legs. After the genie went back into the lamp, they all decided to go out and test their newfound wishes and agreed to meet back up in five years at a local bar. Five years go by and the first two men are sitting in a bar talking about what they've accomplished. The first man says "Thanks to my intellect and my money, I've created many new advances in technology, we've made headway on creating new vaccines and ending epidemics, I've opened up not-for-profits and public works all over the world that benefit humanity, and my wonderful wife keeps me company and never leaves me feeling blue or bored or alone." The second man says "Thanks to my good looks I've been all over the world doing modeling gigs, I've competed in several competitions involving strength, stamina, and fortitude, I've been with and have had relationships with the most beautiful women all over the planet, and I find pride in setting AND breaking world records." The third man sits silently for a few minutes before he says "Hey, guys, I think I made a mistake."

The Stoner is surprised when the Genie thanks him for releasing him and says “I can grant you three wishes, what is your first wish”. The Stoner says “I wish me and you could smoke nice fat joint” and like magic a beautiful joint appears and they both smoke it. After they finish, the Genie asks “ok, what about wish number 2” to which the Stoner says “how about we smoke another joint” and like before another doobie magically appears and they both enjoy it. The genie then asks “what do you want for your third and final wish” and the Stoner said “Let’s have another joint together” which they do and they enjoy smoking in the sun. At the end of the last joint the Genie disappears back into the lantern leaving the Stoner alone. Five minutes later, the Genie reappears out of the lantern and says to the Stoner “what do you want to do about this fourth wish?”

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. I can make a well-educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

All three people passed weeks of rigorous tests. All three of them were in line for the final test. The test proctors handed the first man a gun. They told him to walk into the next room and shoot who was sitting in the chair. The man took the gun, walked into the next room, and saw his wife sitting in the chair. He refused to shot her, handed the gun back, and they both left. Same thing happened with the next man. He was handed a gun and told to go into the next room and shoot who was sitting in the chair. It was his wife. He refused, handed the gun back, and both he and his wife left. The third applicant was a woman. They handed her a gun, told her to go into the next room, and shoot who was sitting in the chair. She took the gun, walked into the next room, and saw her husband sitting in the chair. The woman paused. She went into the room and close the door. From the room came loud noises. Things crashing. Sounds of wood cracking and breaking. Lots of commotion. The proctors finally ran into the room to see what was going on. When they went into the next room, the woman was standing over her husband‘s lifeless body. She replied,”There were blanks in the gun, so I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

"Really?" says the bartender. "In 1982, I came in the day before my wedding. I was nervous. I was unsure. In retrospect, I was lacking confidence in myself, in my future." "Fair enough," says the bartender. "Over 40 years later, I came back... the day after my wife died. It's amazing how life can change. How every uncertainty can become the past. How the unknown can come to mean... everything." The bartender doesn't know what to say. But the man continues. "Those were the two most important days of my life," he says. The two stand in silence for a moment. "Well then," says the bartender, "what brings you here today?" "As fate would have it," the man replies, "I forgot my umbrella."

We’re on a tight budget, the husband comes home from the store one day with some cans of dog food. His wife says we don’t have a dog, he said he thought he would save some money and give it a try. Some time goes by and the wife is at the store and she has cans of dog food in the cart, she runs into her friend and she ask, did you get a dog?. The wife says no, it’s for my husband. Her friend says that stuff will kill him, the wife replies it hasn’t yet he seems to be doing just fine. A few months goes by, and the wife is back at the store and runs into her same friend, her friend says you’re not buying any dog food and the wife replies that’s because my husband passed away. Her friend says I told you the dog food would kill him, the wife says it wasn’t the dog food. Her friend says what happened, the wife says he was sitting in the street, licking his nuts in a truck hit him.

When they were traveling in Jamaica, he had to go pee, a large Jamaican man stood at the urinal next to him, and he couldn’t help him self, he snuck a peak because of all the rumours. To his amazement he saw the same letters that were visible on his own penis, W N Y, and in his excitement he burst out “Oh my god you have Wendy tattooed on your penis, I have the same look!” The man gives him a quizzical look, glances at his penis and sees yes, clear as day the letters W N Y on this strange white mans penis. He coughs and clears his throat and says: “Oh no, the tattoo on my penis doesn’t say Wendy…” “Well what does it say” “Welcome to Jamaica, Have a Nice Day”

Upon rubbing the lamp, the genie emerges. "I will grant you each one wish, but the catch is that you must shout out your wish after jumping from the mountain. Whatever you wish for, you will land in." The first man, thinks for a moment. He jumps off, and in mid air, yells "Gold! " And he lands in a huge pile of gold, killing him instantly. The second man, thinks for a moment. He jumps off, and in the air, yells "Diamonds!" He lands in a huge pile of diamonds, killing him instantly. The third man, thinks for a moment. Backing away, he says "I'm not too sure about this, I don't think I want to die for what I want!". Carelessly, he loses his footing, and falls off the mountain. " OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIITTTTTT"

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him: “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.” Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking just like he always did. His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning to the local butcher shop and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them into her husband’s underwear as he slept. A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes. After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” his wife asked. “You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry honey - after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”

a caterer and a clown for her granddaughter’s birthday party. Shortly before the party was due to start, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the lady promised them a free meal if they would chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they went to the rear of the house. The guests arrived, the party got under way, and all of the children were having a wonderful time. The only problem was that the clown hadn’t arrived, and soon he phoned to say that he was stuck in traffic and wouldn’t be able to get there in time. Disappointed, the lady tried valiantly to entertain the children herself but she was a poor substitute. Just then she happened to look out of the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the back lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and jumped high in the air. So she went outside and said to the other bum: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think he would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $75.” “I don’t know,” said the bum. “Let me ask him. Hey, Willie! For $75, would you chop off another toe?”