2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

Defence Lawyer: *"Ma'am, will you please state your age?"* Little Old Lady: *"I am 86 years old."* Defence Lawyer: *"Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?"* Little Old Lady: *"There I was, sitting in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me."* Defence Lawyer: *"Did you know him?"* Little Old Lady: *"No, but he sure was friendly."* Defence Lawyer: *"What happened after he sat down?"* Little Old Lady: *"He started to rub my thigh."* Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him?"* Little Old Lady: *"No, I didn’t stop him."* Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"* Little Old Lady: *"It felt good. Nobody had done that to me since my husband died 30 years ago."* Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"* Little Old Lady: *"He began to rub my breasts."* Defence Lawyer: *"Did you stop him then?"* Little Old Lady: *"No, I did not stop him."* Defence Lawyer: *"Why not?"* Little Old Lady: *"It made me feel alive. I haven’t felt that good in years!"* Defence Lawyer: *"What happened next?"* Little Old Lady: *"Well, by then, I was feeling a little hot and bothered, so I asked him to come closer."* Defence Lawyer: *"And did he?"* Little Old Lady: *"Well, he came closer.... and then yelled, 'April Fools!' That’s when I shot the bastard."*

**Pet Rules -- Memo to the Family Dog and Cat** 1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. 2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.) 3. The stairway was not designed by Formula 1 and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. 4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. 5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. 6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me; I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.) 7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh. 8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it. 9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hock up the most disgusting hairball in history. 10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, and then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door: **Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:** 1. They live here; you don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people. 4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged. 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.

The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!" The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!" The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!" Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw." The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"

Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent. One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can. Every time you did someone a favor, or just a nice thing one of these would show up in your pocket. Tip your waiter, hold the door for someone, you’d get one of these. Ooh boy, when people figured THAT out, these things had value. Everyone was doing nice shit!! So much nice shit, eventually the market became flooded with these magical sheets of paper. Soon enough, they lost their value. And still to this day, whenever you do the right thing you’ll get one of these sheets. But, it’s just another common Curtis-E.

They were asked there how they all died. The first man said: I was at work, when I got a phonecall from my neighbor. He said that he saw my wife allow a stranger into our house. I drove as fast as I could, searching our house, but I couldn't find anyone there, other than my wife. I got so mad at one point that I went into the kitchen, grabbed our fridge and threw it out the window. However, because of all that, my heart was beating so fast that I got a heart attack. The second man said: Well, I was at home, just relaxing on a day off. Then I thought to myself "Man, today is such a beautiful day. Clear sky, warm, gentle wind. I will take my dog for a walk". So, I was walking with my dog, when I noticed a weird shadow underneath me. I thought that it must have been just a weird cloud, or something like that. I looked up and I saw a fridge falling right on me. The third man then said: Well... I was peacefully sitting in a fridge.

The periods tried to end it. Semicolons rallied disparate forces, and ampersands tried to bring everyone together. Parentheses huddled round the worried masses. Quotation marks established communications, and letters sent word back home. Commas just let it continue, especially the useless Oxford ones. Exclamation marks escalated the situation. Dashes made a run for it. The slashes were particularly violent, and were on both sides. Colons betrayed everyone, the assholes. When the SS came knocking at their door, the apostrophes didn’t know where to go. When the days were numbered, the assistance of numerals really counted for something. It’s over now, and perpetrators sentenced. Question marks are organising the inquiry. But the ellipses say there’s more to come.

They were both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people. One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age. The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!" "That's correct." said the old man with a smile. "Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!" "Thank you." Said the old man humbly. "Do you mind if I ask - how am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man, "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you." The visitor agreed and they make their way inside. "You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 km. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 km almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am." "But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "How come your wife is in such great shape too?" "Well," smiled the old man, "She usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole 5."

An engineer dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him that due to his sins, he will be cast into the deepest hell for eternity. The problems begin immediately upon his arrival. He constantly finds problems with the construction of Hell's many pits and works his way up to the accounting department by torturing as many souls as possible (mainly because the levels of hell they inhabited were not up to code) then immediately begins to assess the pits and structures in hell, finds that they are not at the code and fines the devil for every violation. Considering there are seven levels with billions upon billions of structures including the city of dis, the devil quickly begins to lose money and the bank is poised to foreclose on hell and throw him out. The devil slowly begins to realize that he's not the one in control and the one he sent to hell is actually making his life a living hell so he secretly meets with God and tells him that he will hand the man over because he's bleeding cash. they agree to do it the next day and to the devil's surprise, the man can hardly wait to be free of hell because there are so many code violations that he's run out of souls to murder, having cleared all seven levels of both demons and prisoners. He gladly enters heaven only for God to come to Satan the next day begging to take him back. Satan says " I fail to see what the problem is, after all he has a reputation for perfection" God looks at him with anger in his eyes and tells him: "that's precisely the problem, he convinced me, ME! That I wasn't perfect and worse, used the Bible to get his point across. He's the new God and now nobody can get into heaven because apparently they're not up to code and the code has to be perfect. I need a f****** drink" "I'm afraid that's not going to work, his twin is working as a bartender and perfection is a requirement to drink there" God: *grabs a minigun* "Nothing's going to keep me from my f****** vodka"

He's still in great physical shape and loves to golf, but he can never see where his ball goes. A woman in the pro shop tells him that her dad is 95 and loves to golf, but all of his friends are too old or have passed away. "He's *ninety five* and still golfs?" "Yep! Do you want me to set you guys up? He would love to shoot nine holes with you." A date is arranged and the two old men meet on the first tee. The 85 year old blind man tees off first and smashes his drive down the fairway, but quickly loses sight of the ball. "Did you see where it went?" he asked the 95 year old. "Yep!" "Where did it go?" "...." "I said where did it go?" "I don't remember..."

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she sees someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "My dear, having a cake day is the best way to gain Karma."