2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

Where else would you hear all of these sayings? "Put it in the hole." "You nailed that one." "Pull it out? No, leave it in!" "Threesomes" "I've got a stiff shaft." "Hang on a moment. I've got to wash my balls. "Snuck that one in the back door." "Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more." “This looks a little tight. I’m gonna have to wedge it.” "Try my wood and see what you think." "Try griping down on the shaft." "Excuse me, but I believe your shaft is bent and no longer functional."

He had a difficult time finding a new job, and finally got a job at a gas station, but he got fired from that job as well. He would pump the gas until the customer's car was almost full, the pull the pump out and spray gas all over the hood of the car.

But at least they can keep the tips

A mother and her young daughter are cleaning up the breakfast table when the daughter asks, "Mom, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a bit and then says, “Well, love, when a mommy and a daddy fall in love, they get married. And at night in their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and they make a baby.” The daughter looks puzzled, so the mother explains. “That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy’s vagina. That’s how mommies get a baby, love.” The daughter seems to get it and nods. “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room, you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” "A new pearl necklace, my dear".

So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Because you can’t bring a horticulture

In-N-Out

Not wanting to overwhelm her he goes to the elephant doctor to ask about a penile shrinking surgery. The doctor says “Well there is a new experimental procedure involving cells from various parts of the vagina of a human female, but there may be side effects”. The elephant man agrees, and undergoes the procedure. When it’s time for the date he doesn’t show up because he be shopping.

He says "No and **why the fuck** would you ask me that? Is it because I am Japanese?" "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little fucker."

when they saw a cop drive by. One turns to the other and says “Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?” The other says “No, but I got swung around by the tits once…”