2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

This is the biggest dick i have ever seen! Said my blind date. Turns out she was pulling my leg.

After three months, the wife went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she was pregnant. She was thrilled, but the doctor also informed her that, due to a rare complication, she shouldn't have sex with her husband until after the birth. She went home and told her husband what the doctor had said. The husband agreed to try and hold out. After a month, the husband couldn't resist anymore and asked his wife to be intimate. Of course, she refused. Seeing her husband so depressed and sad, the wife called him over and said, "My dear husband, I know you're suffering. Here, take $300 and go to a sex worker to relieve yourself." The husband took the money and thought to himself, "What a wonderful and considerate wife," opened the door, and went down the stairs, feeling cheerful. When he reached the first floor, the neighbour's wife saw him and asked, "Why are you so happy?" He happily told her the whole story. She then said, "Why go looking outside for a sex worker? Give me the 300 bucks, and I'll take care of you." The man agreed, gave her the money, went into her apartment, enjoyed himself for twenty minutes, and then returned home. His wife saw him and was astonished, asking, "What happened, dear? You came back so quickly; did you change your mind?" The husband replied, "I went downstairs, and the neighbour saw me. She offered to take the money instead, so that's what I did." His wife got very angry and said, "What a jerk! When she was pregnant, I did her husband for free!"

In prison you can still have great sex.

Sometimes you are top, sometimes you are in the bottom, but you gotta enjoy every fucking moment of it.

But it’s sow fucking stupid.

It gets hard for no reason.

Lady luck had smiled in her favour, as she had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the round but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the one million dollar question. She agreed to return the following day, and was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just got to win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow." "Relax honey," her husband reassured her, "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, he grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon." After an agonizing 3 hour absence, the husband returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Deborah, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3:30 a.m., however, she was shaken awake by her husband, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," she replied groggily before returning to sleep. He asked her again in the morning, this time as she was brushing her teeth. Once again, she replied correctly. So it was that she was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced her and asked the question that would make her the champion. "OK Deborah, this is the big one. For $1,000,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds, starting now." "Hmm, um, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uh, ooh, gee! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough," said the host, "Congratulations!"

There was a small boy in a tribe. He went to the chief and asked him how they named the children. The chief said, "We name you after the first thing we see after you are born. Your brother is Soaring Eagle because we saw an eagle and your sister is Running Deer because we saw a deer. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"

A Dictator (wasn’t sure if this should be tagged NSFW.. but just being safe)

They both were sure they could jizz farther than the other one. They decided to settle the argument with a competition. They drew a line, stood there next to each other, wanked one out and shot their spunk as far as they could. They measured the distance and remarkably both of their loads went exactly 6 ft 3 inches from the line. Somehow this odd experience brought them closer together, they even felt like friends now. They apologized to each other and said “we’ve come a long way”.