2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

Two Blokes were walking around the Australian Outback and came across a huge hole in the ground - as wide as a truck and so deep you couldn't see the bottom! One bloke says to the other "Fuck, I wonder how deep that is?" They both look around for a minute and see an old gearbox laying near a tree and decide to throw that down the hole. After a few seconds, out of nowhere a Billy Goat comes charging at them full speed from the tree line! As it neared close enough, they both side stepped and the goat went straight past them and down into the hole! Shocked, they both looked at each other and shrugged it off.. 1 minute later, a Bushman appeared from the scrub and said "Hey, have you blokes seen a Billy Goat around here?" One of the blokes replied and said "Mate! You wouldn't believe it, but a Billy Goat just charged at us and jumped straight down that bloody hole!" The Bushman turned around and said "Nahh nah that's impossible.. I had him tied to a gearbox?!

A man starts his own business. Within a few months, his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are looking good. A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realises that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Sarah and Jack were excellent employees in every respect. Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says, "When you go in tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break." So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Sarah seems to be having a headache - her brow is furrowed and she's massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call. The owner walks over to her and starts out, "Sarah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Irritated, she replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache." And this is how Jack got laid off.

Spoiler alert >!The Rear Admiral's Rear.!<

Johnny was a truck-driver, and had been partying hard all night long. Maybe too hard - because every girl in the dive-bar he was at, that he had tried to strike up a conversation with, had just turned their back on him. It was late, yet Johnny was still horny - but was down to his last five bucks. So he decided to try and find an affordable prostitute. He went down to the lowest end of a certain street, where he knew the cheapest ladies of the night were to be found. It was down by the highway, near to a truckstop. The first one he propositioned, asked for 25 bucks, and when he offered her five – she just laughed at him and walked away. The second one he talked to, wanted 15 bucks, and almost turned him away. She looked at his wristwatch, and said the if he threw in the watch, she’d do it. But Johnny had inherited the inexpensive timepiece from his beloved father, and said: No Way. She started to turn away. But as she was a kind woman, she said that he could ask the old whore that hung out down by the petrol-station. She’ll might go for five, she said, but be aware that she’s been doing this for a long, long time, and may be a bit worn. Johnny was still horny as hell, and went and found this old hag leaning against the large cab of an eighteen-wheeler. Listen lady, said Johnny, I’m really horny, but I only have five bucks. She looks him up and down, and says, yeah you’re good - please step into my office. She proceeds to open the door of the cab of the eighteen-wheeler, and climbs in the back where the bed is. And quickly undresses Johnny slams the door behind him and also undresses quickly As they lay there, he touched her pussy and put two fingers in Then three. Then five……and then his whole hand. Then his underarm - the wristwatch passed in easily. After he got the whole arm in – he went in with the other arm….just as far He then widened the opening so that he could get both his shoulders and his head in. Looking around, he could see a man walking around in the distance, and shouted Hey man, what are you doing? The man jumps, and then screams: Are you crazy - get the fuck out of here – I’ve been trying to find my eighteen-wheeler for days now!

... But unfortunately I only made the semis!

Where you put the cucumber

My dick was in the kitchen making me breakfast.

So he sends the boatswain to the crew quarters. The boatswain walks in and says: "Bet I can hit the wall with my dick so hard, the whole ship will blow apart?" The crew yells: "You're on!" He swings, slams it—and the ship explodes into pieces. Later, the captain and the boatswain are clinging to a piece of wreckage. The captain says: "You idiot... the torpedo missed."

Long: A man boards an airplane headed cross country from Miami to California. He gets comfortable, hoping the seat beside him remains empty. Instead, a drop dead gorgeous woman sits beside him. Once the flight gets going, he strikes up the courage to speak to her. “Hi, how are you doing,” he asks. “What’s your name?” She replies with a smile and says, “Hello. I’m Veronica.” “Where are you headed,” he responds. “LA. I’m part of a group that meets up every year for a week long sex convention.” Interested, the man sits up a little straighter. “Oh… what do you do there?” “Well, for a week straight we have amazing sex with whoever we want, however we want, and for as long as we can.” “Wow. Well that sounds fun. Let me ask you a question, if you could have any type of man, what sort of guy do you like?” “I like Native Americans. They’re strong and can go all day and all night.” “Say there aren’t any Native Americans, what sort would be your second choice,” he asks. “I like Jewish men,” she replies. “Interesting, why’s that?” “Well, they know how to spoil a woman. They like to spend money on me and buy expensive jewelry for me.” Pressing, he asks again, “Let’s say you’re down to your third choice. What sort of man would you choose?” “I like rednecks. They’re passionate and lots of fun.” She then asks him a question. “I’ve been talking about myself and I don’t even know your name.” “Oh,” he replies, “I’m Tonto Goldstein, but you can call me Bubba.”

It's O.B. scene