2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

...so she asked her mother. Her mother said, "No, sweetie, she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the girl. "Why don't you go and ask your dad in the garage?" her busy mother replied. So the girl went to her father in the garage and asked him, "I want to take Lulu for a walk, but mom says she's in heat and to ask you about it." Her father took a clean rag, poured some 2-stroke lawnmower fuel on it, then gently rubbed the dog's tail and butt with it to disguise the scent. "Now you can take her for a walk," he said, "Just don’t let her off the leash, and she’ll be fine." The little girl skipped happily away with Lulu trotting along beside her. A few minutes later she returned with an empty leash, and no dog. Concerned, her dad asked, "Where’s Lulu, sweetie?" "She ran out of gas halfway around the block," his daughter told him, "So the neighbour's dog is giving her a push home."

One day Dirty Ernie's teacher tells the class that they are going to play a spelling review game. " We are going to go through the ABCs in order and I will call on person to say a word that starts with each letter. Let's start with A." All the hands in the classroom shoot up, including Ernie's. *He's going to say asshole* the teacher thinks to herself. She calls on Martha. "Apple!" "Good job Martha! Now how about B?" Again all the hands go up, and Ernie's is the highest. *He's going to say bitch or bastard* she thinks. She calls on Ryan. "Basketball!" "Good job Ryan!" They continue playing, and with each letter, Ernie raises his hand; and with each letter, the teacher refuses to call on him. Finally they get to the letter R and no one is raising their hand except Ernie. *Hmmm I can't think of anything that bad that start with R.* "Okay Ernie, what is it?" "Rat" he says "Oh, yes. Good job Ernie. Rat does start wi-" "A big fuckin rat with a cock this big!"

A chicken farmer went to the local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. The woman said : "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne." "What a coincidence," said the farmer, who added, "It is a special day for me. I am celebrating" "It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman "What a coincidence." said the farmer. While they toasted, the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynaecologist told me that I was pregnant." "What a coincidence," said the man. "I am a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilised eggs." "This is amazing," said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?" "I used a different rooster," he said. She smiled and said... "What a coincidence!"

But, luck strikes, and they hit the jackpot. Now facing an influx of millions of dollars, they begin discussing how to split it. The lawyer says, "Well, I physically paid for the ticket, so legally most of the winnings should go to me." This irritates the accountant, who says, "I put the most money into the pot, so I should get most of the money!" As they squabble, the stoner lights up beside them and smokes a nice, hand rolled joint that he just rolled. He inhales deeply, and blows out a fat cloud, and proceeds to smoke it to the roach. High out of his mind, he says, "I think I should get most of the winnings." Both the accountant and the lawyer stare at him, dumbfounded, and ask him, "Why?" And the stoner replies, "Because *I'm* the one who smoked the ticket."

Three tough cowboys were sitting around the campfire one night, bragging about how fearless and rugged they are. The first one says: "Just yesterday, I was walking along Dead Man’s Trail when a 12-foot rattlesnake slithered out from under a rock. I grabbed it, bit its head off, and sucked out all the venom. And here I am, still kicking!" The second cowboy scoffs: "That’s nothing. Last week, I was passing by old Bill’s ranch. A 500-pound bull had escaped and killed Bill, his wife, and three passersby. I grabbed that bull by the horns, flipped it upside down, and hogtied it so it couldn’t hurt anyone else." The third cowboy didn’t say a word—he just kept poking the fire with his penis.

Three Russian men were sent by their company to attend a convention in Moscow. All 3 shared a hotel room. Two of them cracked open a bottle of vodka, but the third just wanted to sleep. The two drinkers got louder and louder as the bottle emptied, telling each other political jokes. The third was kept awake, and got angry. He went outside for a smoke. On his way back to his room, he stopped at the desk and said ***'Please send a pot of tea up to room 23.'*** The two drunks were still being loud. The third man went in, looked at them, then leaned over to the light socket ***'Comrade Major, please send some tea to my room.'*** The other men thought this was hilarious...until there was a knock on the door, and a waiter with a pot of tea. They became completely silent, and the third man fell asleep. When he woke up in the morning, he was alone. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were. ***'Well, the KGB came this morning and took them away.'*** The man was horrified ***'Why did they spare me***?!?***'*** ***"The comrade major thought the tea joke was very funny."***

Asked during biology class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Wilson, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Wilson called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Wilson. Turning to Miss Arnold, he said, "I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."

The barber says "Be about two and a half hours." The guy leaves. A couple of days later, he shows up again with the same question. The barber says "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves again. About a week later, the guy shows up once more - "How long for a cut?" The barber states "About two hours." The guy leaves again. The barber tells his buddy Fred - "Follow this guy and see where he goes, he's come in three times, asks how long for a haircut, then leaves." Fred comes back an few minutes later, and the barber asks "So, did you follow him?". Fred said "I sure did!" "So where the heck did he go?" asked the barber. "Your house!" said Fred.

One hot afternoon, farmer Jed was slouched against his rickety fence, chewing on a straw, staring out at his pasture. His cows, usually just standing there, dumb as bricks, were up to something odd. They weren’t grazing like normal. No, these cows were huddled in a circle by the old barn, heads low, tails swatting flies, and Jed could swear he saw something glinting in the dirt. Poker chips? Playing cards? He spat out his straw and muttered, “Well, that’s new.” He shuffled closer, boots crunching on dry grass, and there it was: his herd of Holsteins, playing a full-on game of Texas Hold’em. Bessie, the big boss cow, was nosing a pile of what looked like poker chips, though they smelled suspiciously like dried cow pies. Daisy, the scrappy one, flicked a card with her hoof and let out a smug moo, like she’d just raised the pot. Jed squinted harder. The grass they were chomping between bets wasn’t his usual clover. It had a weird, skunky whiff, and their eyes were redder than a sunset. Out of nowhere, a city guy in a cheap suit and cheaper cologne struts up, carrying a briefcase like he’s selling encyclopedias. “Name’s Rick,” he says, flashing a grin. “Heard you got some, uh, unique livestock, farmer. Mind if I take a gander?” Jed, still trying to wrap his head around his gambling cows, just shrugs and points to the pasture. “Knock yourself out, slick.” Rick swaggers over, leans on the fence, and his jaw hits the ground. The cows are deep in their game now. Mabel, the sneaky one, locks eyes with another cow, who snorts and folds her cards. Rick’s practically drooling. “Old man, this is unreal! Your cows are playing poker like they’re in Vegas! And what’s with that grass they’re eating?” The farmer scratches his neck, glancing at the cows. “Yeah, I don’t know what’s in that patch, but .." Rick’s eyes light up as he cuts the farmer off “Old man, you’re sitting on a fortune! Forget milk, you could take this show on the road. Cow poker! It’s the future!” He’s pacing now, waving his hands like he’s pitching a movie. “Picture it: lights, cameras, bovines bluffing their way to millions!” The farmer chuckles, shaking his head. “Good Sir, I ain’t about that circus life. I just wanna know who’s winning out there, ‘cause with my funny patch over there, this is one High Steaks game.”

It was the barkeep's first night tending bar in the small town's saloon. Suddenly a panicked citizen pokes his head through the swinging doors and yells, "Hey everybody! Black Bart's coming to town! Black Bart's coming to town!" and runs off. The panic spreads immediately and everyone scrambles over each other to get through the doorway and out of town. All that's left is the lone barkeep, trembling, as he wipes the counter. Soon he hears hooves in the distance, getting closer and closer. The ground shakes, the glasses rattle, as the sound gets louder and louder until a burly man astride a bison rides up to the railing in front of the saloon. He gets off, flexes his muscles, and drops the bison to its belly with one punch. Packed with guns, dressed in animal skins, he rips the swinging doors off their hinges and enters the saloon. The wide-eyed barkeep watches as the huge man looks around the room and then walks over to the counter, spurs jingling, boots leaving dents in the floor. The man takes out a massive bowie knife, jams it into the top of the counter, and stares at the barkeep. He says, "Bottle of whiskey" and throws down some money. The barkeep, by now trembling almost uncontrollably, pushes a bottle towards him. The man bites off the top of the bottle, spits it out, and swallows the contents. He throws the bottle away and says, "Another." Again, bites off the top, downs the contents, throws it away. The man then yanks the knife out of the counter, shoves it in his belt, and turns away. Still shaking, the barkeep manages to ask, "L-l-l-leaving already?" The man stops, slowly turns back to the barkeep and says, "Haven't you heard? Black Bart's coming to town."