2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

Get a fucking job

Apparently MyPenis is not long enough but HisPenis is.

With the pizza, you can eat the crust.

A bang for my buck

He approaches and sees a woman with no arms and legs laying on a towel. “Is everything okay?” He asks “No” she says “because I have no arms or legs I’ve never been kissed” The man looks around to be sure no one is looking and then leans down and gives the woman a kiss. “Oh thank you so much!” She exclaimed. The man jogged along, happy he could help the woman. The very next day the man is jogging along the beach and again hears a woman crying. As he approaches he sees the same woman and again asks what’s wrong. “Well, as you can see I have no arms or legs and therefore have never been fucked” she says. The man looks around nervously to be sure nobody is looking, quickly picks the woman up and tosses her into the ocean and yells: “There! Now you’re fucked!”

if you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand

An elderly couple were spending the weekend with their adult grandchildren, staying overnight on Saturday before heading home Sunday evening. When the grandfather found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's bathroom cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said to him, "I don't think you should take one. They're quite strong and very expensive." "How much?" his grandfather asked him. "$10 a pill," his grandson replied. "I don't mind the cost, but I'd still like to try one, and before we leave, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called his grandfather and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110." "Yeah I know, the $100 is from your grandma!"

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..

It's cool, until you whip it out and start shoving it other people's faces.

How do you know when to eat a cucumber or use one as a dildo? Depends on whether you are hungry or horny.