What did the pornstar say to the unemployed homeless man?

I'm the youngest of three siblings - my oldest brother, middle sister, and me. My sister had her first child a couple of years ago. Really sweet kid, and at the point of just starting to pick up language. Once she learns a new word, she'll point to different things and say the word, to test if it works. Like when she learned the word 'cat', she would point to things and say, 'Cat!' So now, it's our job to correct her and say things like, 'That's right!' or 'No, honey, that's a DOG. Can you say 'dog'?' You know how these things go. She's learning pretty quickly, and moving onto more difficult, multi-syllabic words. Recently, she learned the word 'computer', but her pronunciation is a little off. So when I went over to my sister's place last weekend, my niece greated me at the door, pointing at me and saying, 'comPOOPer!' I said, "No, honey, that's your other uncle."

When he tells me my granddaughter has grown half a foot since I last saw her I don’t know whether to be excited or very, very concerned.

Testickles

I called my girlfriend earlier today, but all my calls went straight to voicemail. So, I decided to call her from a coworker’s phone. When someone picked up, I heard a sweet little voice say, “Hello?” It was my girlfriend’s daughter. I said, “Hey, honey! I’m at work. What are you and Mommy up to?” She goes, “Well, I just ate a sandwich, and Mommy’s upstairs with Uncle Eddie.” I paused. “Uncle Eddie? We don’t have an Uncle Eddie.” She confidently replied, “Yes, we do! Uncle Eddie is upstairs with Mommy in the bedroom.” At this point, my alarm bells were going off. Something was fishy. So, I calmly asked, “Hey sweetheart, can you leave the phone downstairs, go upstairs, and tell Mommy that Daddy just pulled into the driveway?” I heard little footsteps running upstairs. About 65 seconds later, she picked the phone back up. I asked, “What happened?” She said, “Mommy ran downstairs naked, but she slipped and fell. She’s not moving.” I was like, “Oh, shoot… okay. What about Uncle Eddie?” She replied, “Uncle Eddie jumped out of the window, but he barely missed the pool. He’s not moving either.” And that’s when I realized… We just lost two people today. And I don’t have a pool. So, I hung up the phone… because that was the wrong number.

"Doc, I think something’s wrong with my junk." The doctor puts on his gloves. "Alright, drop your pants and let’s take a look." The man drops his pants, and his junk is completely orange. The doctor stares. "Whoa… what the hell have you been doing?!" The man sighs. "Well… not much lately. Just sitting at home, watching porn, and eating Doritos."

Retro-Active

Two friends go fishing. One of them catches a gold fish, who offers him a present in exchange of her life. “What present?” asks the fisherman. “You choose – great love, a million dollars or great wisdom” “Wisdom” says the fisherman. “Voila” says the gold fish and jumps into the water. Sometime later his friend asks him: “Say something wise.” “Should've taken the money. “

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, buying paint and yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water... Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint!* And thin no more!"*

We were at lunch and she told me that her boyfriend's mom and dad refused to let him date her. I said, "Who the hell are they to say anything about what two eighteen year old's do in a relationship! She responded, "Our parents".

During the hernia check she cupped my boys. Instead of "turn your head and cough" she begins yelling at me, "Stop running your fingers through my hair!"