2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I touched a man’s private parts.” The priest asks, “What part of your body did you use?” She replies, “My right hand.” The priest instructs her to dip her right hand in holy water and say ten Hail Marys. The second nun steps in and confesses, “I touched a man’s private parts with my left hand.” The priest gives her the same penance. As the third nun is about to enter, the fourth nun pushes ahead. The priest asks, “Why did you push ahead in line?” She responds, “Because I want to gargle the holy water before she sits in it!”

I think my dyslexic girlfriend is cheating on me. She keeps texting me that she wants to do Alan.

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

She replied that aren’t we supposed to give up something we enjoy?

I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”. She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.

A rooster wakes up early Easter morning. As he always does, he sticks his head out of the chicken coop, but today he sees nothing but multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, looks back at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, and then he sits down and thinks about it. After thinking about it for a minute, he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

A guy is hanging out in his favourite, bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly man. He asks the bartender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a hooker. He watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive could be available to him. The next night, he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches her. "Is it true you're a hooker?" "Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there." "$100!! For a handjob? Are you nuts?" "You see that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks out the front door and sure enough there's a shiny new Ferrari parked outside. "I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs. "Trust me, it's worth it." The guy mulls it over for a while and decides what the hell. He leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his miserable life. The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was. Just wait till you try one of my blow jobs." "How much is that?" "$500" "$500!?! C'mon, that's ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out front at a 12 storey apartment building. "I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs. Trust me, it's worth it." Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her and once again, is not disappointed. He nearly faints - twice! The next night, he can hardly contain himself until she shows up. "I'm totally hooked on you.... you are the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street, where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Awwww c'mon..... You can't mean that!" She nods her head.. "You bet..... if I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan!"

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Because it has a mushroom head, a hotdog, two eggs and cream, which provides all the nutrients necessary to make a woman healthy.

I went to court before being nailed by an Italian