“Nothing I can do,” the manager said. “He has squatter’s rights.”

She is a mute aunt.

She just wanted to rub salt and vinegar into the wound.

There are three naughty boys in a classroom: Zip, Dick, and Pea. The teacher leaves the room and Zip gets on top of his desk, Dick goes inside a cabinet, and Pea runs out the door and waves. The teacher comes back and says, *“Hey! Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”*

It’s called Head, Shoulders Knees and Toes.

In an attempt to prove that the human genome is very similar to primates once and for all, German scientists decided to conduct an experiment to see if a human could successfully mate with an orangutan and produce offspring. An ad was put in the paper which read, "Mate with an orangutan. $1000". A country boy responds to the ad and says he will do it if the scientists can agree to three conditions: 1) He was allowed to help raise the baby if one resulted; 2) He has a say in what religion the baby would practice; 3) He was allowed to make instalment payments on the $1000.

A woman interrupts their conversation to ask the doctor some sort of medical advice. The doctor tells her what he can then sends her on her way, then turns back to the lawyer. “Man, I get so tired of people bugging me for medical advice,” the doctor says. “I never see people do the same with you for legal advice, how do you keep them away?” The lawyer says, “Every time someone asks me for any advice, I just send them a bill. Keeps people away like a charm.” “That’s super smart!” the doctor says. “I’m gonna do that!” The next day, the doctor makes up his bills for all the people who asked him for medical advice, and he takes them out to his mailbox. He opens it up, and he finds a bill from the lawyer.

From 40 or more years ago, in Readers' Digest (seemed a little racy for them): The great eye doctor saves the sight of the wealthy man's wife. The wealthy man commissions a mural by a famous artist on the doctor's office wall as a thank-you. It is revealed at a big ceremony, and depicts a huge eye covering the whole wall, with a likeness of the doctor standing in the middle. The press asks the doctor for his reaction. He replies "Thank god I'm not a gynecologist."

Mom: "No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!"

Not paying attention, Frank gets too close to the saw and gets his arm cut off. In a mad scramble, Bill wraps Frank’s arm in plastic, and rushes his dismembered friend to the hospital. He goes to visit Frank the next day, and to his amazement finds him back in tact, playing ping pong in the physical therapy area. A few days later the men are back in the woods, cutting down trees. This time, Frank loses his leg after again getting too close to the saw. Just like the last time, Bill wraps his friend’s leg in plastic and rushes him back to the hospital. He goes to visit Frank the next day, and this time to his amazement finds Frank in the physical therapy area, all in one piece, running on the treadmill. A few days later, the pair are back in the woods, sawing down trees. This time, Frank gets too close to the saw and gets decapitated. Bill, now an old pro at this, wraps his friend’s head in plastic and rushes him to the hospital. He goes to visit Frank at the hospital the next day, only to find out that his friend didn’t make it. Distraught, he asked the doctor what happened. “Well,” the doctor said, “your friend would have made a full recovery, if some idiot hadn’t wrapped his head in a plastic bag.”

Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy

Dream life: A Russian girlfriend, a Swedish wife, a German housekeeper, a French chef, and an Italian mother-in-law. Real life: A German girlfriend, a Swedish wife, a Russian housekeeper, a French mother-in-law, and an Italian chef.

'You're putting the heart before the course!'

I went to court before being nailed by an Italian

Story of my life.

The bear minimum.

and then I ate a few more this morning, very delicious

I laughed and told him, "No stress for me: I did my taxes back in 2024!"

I'm a nice, quiet guy. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't go out with women. I go to sleep at 21:00 and wake up at 6:00. I hope this won't change once I get out of jail though...

Me and my wife like to get crazy. We went to a key party and one by one, different couples went off to a bedroom. My luck, I pulled my own keys, I walked to the bathroom by myself.