But now I'm an ex tractor fan.

Because he's xcentric.

a springle

Apparently you need a license for that.

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house. He’d just moved to the neighborhood and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the US Forest Service and was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang. Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at him for doing this as it ruined the spine, but seeing as this was essentially the latest in a series of airport bestsellers, he didn't feel like he was damaging anything particularly worth saving though he had to admit it was pretty compelling, if a bit tawdry) and got up to answer the door. When he opened it, there was a ram standing there, with a stack of fliers in his arms. "Hello sir or madam would you like a- OH! It's you – Smokey! I love your work!" "That's quite alright, thank you," Smokey said. "Now what can I do for you, young man?" "Oh gosh, I'm so flustered," said the ram. "I never expected to see a celebrity on my first day!" "First day of..." said Smokey. "Oh! Sorry, yes!" the ram stammered. "My sister and I just opened a new flower shop down the street and I was just handing out these brochures and it would just mean the world to us both if you would take one!" Smokey looked down at the coupon in the ram's hand, then back up to his face. "Sorry, kid. I'm not going to take this." The poor ram was shocked. "You're not?" “Now, if your sister was here, I'd accept it from her, but not from you." “But – but– I don't understand! Why my sister?" stammered the ram. Smokey got very serious and looked the ram dead in the eye. "Only ewes can present florist fliers."

Easy. The exterior of my body is solid.

Everything will be ok… for a while 👌🏻

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

I'm still not over her.

They are raised differently.

It's a global warning.

A man watchs from afar with his partner. Partner: What are those things and can they see us? Man: No-eye-deer and I-dont-think-it-saurus

A grandmother looked after 2000 sheep alone in the village. A journalist came to make a report about it and asked the grandmother: \- "Tell us how you manage to look after 2000 sheep by yourself?" Grandma: \- "Well, I've been doing that all my life, I'm used to it." Journalist: \- "And how much does one sheep weigh?" Grandma: \- "Black or white?" Journalist: \- "Well, let's say white." Grandma: \- "30 kg." Journalist: \- "And black?" Grandma: \- "Well, the same." Journalist: \- "Okay, and how much milk does one sheep give?" Grandma: \- "Black or white?" Journalist: \- "Well, let's say white." \- "so 2 liters." \- "And black?" \- "Well, the same." \- "Okay, and how much wool from one sheep?" \- "Black or white?" \- "Let's say black." \- "3 kg." \- "And white?" \- "Well, the same." The journalist grows mad, realizing the grandma is messing with her. Journalist: \- "Well, what's the difference between black and white then?" Grandma: \- "Well, the white ones are mine." Journalist: \- "And the black ones?" Grandma: \- "Well, the same."

After a few hours of still water, Bob cracks open a beer. Timmy says: "Hey Dad, since Mom's not here, can I have one?" "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Bob retorts. "No," Timmy answers, confused. "Then you can't have one." After a little while, Bob grabs a pack of cigarettes and lights one up. Timmy says: "Dad, I promise Mom will never find out. Can I have one?" Again, Bob retorts "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Frustrated and confused, Timmy says "No." "Then you can't have one." A few more minutes pass, and Bob rips open a bag of chips. Timmy, thinking there's no way his dad would refuse his request for something as harmless as chips, says: "Can I have some chips at least?" To the boy's surprise, Bob again asks: "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Fed up, Timmy proudly proclaims "Yes! Yes it can!" "Then go fuck yourself, these are my chips!"

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife -- the word is sternum."

"Is there something I could eat?" "Yes, the hotel restaurant is open till 9:00." "Can you also arrange sex worker services?" "Yes, of course, brenda is available for $50." "How about male sex worker?" "We can offer that too. Brian is available for $500." "Why is Brian 10 times the price of Brenda?" "Well, I am not particularly fond of such practices, so I take $100 for myself. The village preist, obviously, isn't fond of such practices, so he gets $100, and village mayor is a conservative and as such isn't particularly fond of them, so he gets $100." "Does that mean Brian gets $200?" "Nah, those $200 goes to John and Steve that will hold Brian down, because, you see, Brian also is not particularly fond of such practises."

A guy goes to the doctor with a complaint of arm pain. The doctor says, "Great! I have this new machine that can tell with 99% accuracy what is wrong using just a urine sample. " The guy is skeptical but gives the sample anyway. The doctor squirts a few drops into the machine and a few seconds later, a small slip of paper comes out. "You have tennis elbow," says the doctor. The man rants, "How the hell can a machine tell you that based on urine alone? I want a second opinion." "I'll tell you what," says the doctor. "Go home and eat normally for a few days and lay off alcohol. We'll run the specimen again. " "I'll show him," said the man. On the day of his return appointment, he gets his wife to pee in a bucket. Then he gets his mother, son, and daughter to do the same. He goes outside and puts the bucket under his dog while she's peeing. While he's out there, his neighbor asks what he's doing. The guy convinces his neighbor to add his urine to the bucket as well. Before leaving for the doctor's office, the man also jerks off into the bucket and then mixes everything up and puts it all into a zip lock baggie. At the doctor's office, the man fills the cup with the contents of the baggie and gives it to the doctor. When the doctor puts the sample into the machine this time, it takes a few minutes before the machine spits out a much longer piece of paper. "Well, sir, " says the doctor, "It says here that your mom has osteoporosis, your wife has chlamydia, which she apparently got from your neighbor, your daughter is pregnant, your son is on cocaine, your dog has worms, and if you don't stop jerking off so much... you'll never get rid of that tennis elbow."

He was too far out, man.

They made him very cross

It was a work from home day.