Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg. Edit: Thanks to those that awarded and enjoyed this. I didn’t know so many people would like it this much!

I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

That's it. That's the whole fucking joke. EDIT: Removed edits, people don't like those. [](/rdcry)

The correct term is "turd-world countries".

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business. After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table. A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kneels in front of Putin, and without a word starts giving him a blowjob right there in front of Trump. A few minutes go by and Putin smacks the blond once on the back of the head, she gets up, and without a word leaves the room. Putin smiles at Trump. "You wanna try too?" He asks. "Yes" says Trump enthusiastically "but please don't smack my head when you're done".

He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room. In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of water. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got his problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald. The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said.......... "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Just like yo momma.

Give it a badge and a gun

“School” is my answer

So I took down his confederate flag.

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!" She points up and says: "3 pulls" Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off. Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..." Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics" Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

Because they had to go home and change first.

Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

If Biden wins the election, I will leave the United States This is not a political post, I just want to travel

They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.