Funeral director, "Sir, it would cost about £25,000 if we send her home back to the UK or £500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem." Me:"Ship her home." Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money." Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance."

I wonder who the denominator of the two is.

Because it was wearing high-heels

A boorish man gave his order to the waitress. "I'm going to start off with a half a dozen oysters on the half shell. You know what they say about oysters, don't you, honey?" he asked as he winked at the woman. "They make you sexy." The waitress stared at him straight-faced and inquired, "Won't you need more than six, sir?"

Virgin Mobile

I said “What else were you expecting, we hadn’t had sex in months”. She said “Well I wasn’t aware you were willing to pay”.

It was an act of sensei less violence.

Nobel Prize

Someone exclaimed "He is rizzin'!"

.... who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

I wondered why they were doing that. Then It hit me.

Alex, Brian, Charles are best friends since they were kids, work together under the same company. They got sent to the neighbor country to negotiate some offer. They slept that night at a random hotel. The next thing they realized in the morning was the elevator are typically not working as they got cut off the electricity. The hotel they are staying has 90 floors. The fellas didn't have a choice and decided to use their feet to start walking down the stairs. Alex suggest a brilliant idea to the other two. "The first 30 floors, I will be telling a funniest story. Brian will be telling a scariest story for another 30 floors. Charles will be telling the saddest story. Alex started telling the funniest story for the first 30 floors. Brian took turn talking the scariest stories for the another 30 floors. When it is finally the turn for the Charles, he proudly started telling his saddest. Charles: 3 people went into a hotel that has 90 floors, the hotel's electricity got cut off but they have to got to work, they used stairs Alex: Wait, isn't that..? Brian: Nah, let him finish Charles: so they finally manged to land their feet on 1st floor, and >!one of the three forgot the car keys on the tables. !<

But none of them work.

Furious, he yells, "to whom and for how long?!"

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, "Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Raleigh." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Raleigh man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem...just like Raleigh in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Raleigh man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable. "No problem. Just like Raleigh in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK. He says, "No problem. Just like Raleigh in August." Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he goes back now to see how the Raleigh man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man what's going on. To which the Raleigh man replies..... "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!" "THE CANES WON THE STANLEY CUP!!!"

A rooster wakes up early Easter morning. As he always does, he sticks his head out of the chicken coop, but today he sees nothing but multicolored eggs all over the barnyard. He takes a look at the eggs, looks back at the hens, takes another look at the eggs, takes one more look at the hens, and then he sits down and thinks about it. After thinking about it for a minute, he walks across the barnyard and kicks the shit out of the peacock.

He disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes, and emerges with his cock covered in white powder. He says "I've just ground up some aspirin and dusted my dick with it. Do you want to take it orally or as a suppository?"

The college umpire says, "I call 'em the way I see 'em." The minor league umpire says, "I call 'em the way they are." The major league umpire says, "They ain't anything, until I call 'em."

During the check up, the doctor asked him if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night. The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going to the bathroom, the fairy or something turns the light off for me. It's really wonderful!" The doctor looked concerned and scribbled some notes about this and continued on with the check up. After the check up, the doctor went out to the waiting room where one of the man's family members asked him how the check up went. The doctor responded, "Well Ma'am, his check up went OK. Physically, he's as healthy as can be for a 90 year old. But mentally, I'm worried he's coming down with dementia or something." The lady, with a concerned look on her face asks, "Why do you say that?" The doctor responded and said, "Well, during the check up, he told me that when he goes to the restroom at night, a fairy or something turns on the light when he opens the door and that same fairy or something turns off the light for him when he finishes. I'm just a little concerned about his mental health." The lady with a horrified look turns to the rest of the family and says, "Oh no, Grandpa's been pissing in the fridge again!"

They have no guts