2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready. A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body. He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations. When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

He always said "aye when ye get Bonnie bared don’t pollute!”

Talk of the town was that the nut screws and bolts.

Honey I'm home!

Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of whatever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says, "Now shove 'em all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why are you laughing?" asks the farmer. And the guy replies, "My friend is out picking watermelons!

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed. After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

but i still can't get used to her having one

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator." Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?' And so, here we are!"

You're not supposed to lick batteries, but you do it anyway!

 from a double glazing company phoned a man’s home one evening. “Hello, sir, this is Superseal Double Glazing,” he began. “I was just wondering if you might be interested in—” “Hold it right there,” said the homeowner. “Before you start your sales pitch, can I ask you a question?” “Uh, okay.” “What has a one-inch dick and hangs down?” “I don’t know,” said the salesman. “A bat. And what has a seven-inch dick and hangs up?” Then he put the phone down before the salesman could answer