2000 Best Dad Jokes for Family Gatherings – Instant Icebreaker!

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accepts the offer, and the man gives him the name of the hotel they are staying at. They both arrive at the hotel, and climb to the roof of a building next to it. The hitman aims at the window of the wife's hotel room. The man says to the hitman "Why are you taking so long? Go ahead and take the shot!" The hitman says, "Be patient. I'm trying to save you $10,000."

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!" The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Jew!" Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Jew grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Jew still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the Nazi's direction. The Nazi turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Jew". The Nazi satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Jew smiling broadly at him and waving. Furiously the Nazi turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Jew? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?" The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests. "Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up. "Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?" The bartender tells him, "Turn it around." So the guy does, takes another bite, and is suddenly quite pleased. "It tastes like a coke! It's a rum and coke apple? It's a rum and coke apple! That's pretty neat, pal." Another man approaches the bar, and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple. Confused, the man begins to question the validity of the bartender, when the first guy reassures him, "Buddy, try the apple," and with a nod to his own, takes another bite. The second man follows suit, and looks back at the bartender in exclamation, "Tonic! What's this, a tonic apple?" The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells the man, "Turn it around..." The man has a bite from the other side of the apple and is exuberant. "It's gin! It's really gin! A gin and tonic apple!" The two men reveled in this discovery for a while, when a dwarf walked up to the bar, made his way onto a stool beside the men, and beckoned for the bartender. As he's about to order, the second man interrupts him, "Oh, hey man wait! You should order an apple! You can get an apple that tastes like anything you want here! I've got a gin and tonic apple, and this guy's got a rum and coke apple!" The dwarf casts an incredulous look at the bartender, who plainly nods back in confirmation. "Oh yeah?" He starts, "OK then, it's been a while, gimme a *pussy* flavored apple!" And the bartender hands him an apple. The dwarf takes a big, expectant bite from the apple, and immediately spits it out all over the bar. "Ughyuuk!!" He cries out, "This apple tastes like *shit*!" The bartender swirls his finger in the air and tells him, "Turn it around..." Edit: Wow thanks for all the awards! Never had a post blow up like this. Tbh I've never seen this one online before, maybe I'm living under a rock. But it's slain in the meatworld and seems new to lots of you, so hell yeah and thanks again!

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin. Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this." The man says "In the alley way behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true. A few minutes passed and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking. The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks. He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing, because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands." The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me." The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results." The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?". The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life. "Best day? Well, that must've been the day that Old Man Jones asked me for help. You see, his pretty little wife had wandered out and gotten lost in the bayou. So we put together a search party and went looking for her. Just before sundown, we found her..." This is great, thinks the reporter. ".. and then we all fucked her. Best damn day of my life." "Holy shit," yells the reporter, "that's terrible. I can't print that. Here, have another drink, and tell me about the second-best day of your life." "Second-best, huh? That might've been the day Jim Bob's prize hog broke out of its pen and got lost in the bayou. He was mighty attached to that hog, so we put together a search party and went looking. Just before sunset we found it. Then, we all fucked it. Not as great as Mrs. Jones, but pretty damn good." "Damn it, man, I can't possibly print that story," says the reporter despairingly. He decides on a different tack. "How about another drink, and you tell me about the worst day of your life?" Hillbilly's face falls. "Worst day of my life? Well, that had to be the day I got lost in the bayou..."

The rabbit says : I think I might be a type O.

The Bartender

I don’t remember the rest.