Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Measles

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!" EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!" Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the most hated of all?" The group agreed and Hitler left to go make the vote. After counting the ballots, Hitler returns and asks: "Who the fuck is Ajit Pai!?" *.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.*.* EDIT: I spell things poorly. EDIT 2: I made the front page, and was guilded! Thanks guys! I hope my joke made your day just a little better.

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking? Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you. Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

LEFT WING DESTROYED

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Because they’re so good at it! Please don’t ban me

Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? ^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

Because they are more likely to be dead EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay. Edit: guys it's a joke not a dick don't take it so hard

Man is walking through park. He sees a girl in a wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been kissed before" girl says. Man kisses her and she goes home happy. Next day man walking through same park. Sees girl in wheelchair again crying. "What's wrong?" man asks. "Never been wined and dined before" girl says. So man takes her out for a beautiful meal, gets her drunk and wheels her off home. Again man walks through park following day. Girl still in wheelchair crying. "What's wrong?" Asks man. "Never been fucked before" says girl. So man picks up girl and throws her in the river and says... "Well you're fucked now"

Anyone who makes jokes about this absolute disaster is deeply fucked up. Just a watered down form of comedy that I hope will implode at some point. Awful.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..." Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here"

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They kill dogs