I said I wanted to keep her on her toes.

No, not "Pirates of Penzance", that's a musical. It's Arrrrrsenic and Old Lace.

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out of the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?' The sperm nodded. Days later, the sperm was sleeping when he heard the siren. He was the first one out of the tunnel and the first to reach the sticky red ball. He was millimeters ahead of all his comrades. He bowed courteously and said: "I'm a sperm". The red sticky ball smiled and said: "Hi, I'm the tonsil"

...but multiplying by 2 makes me even number

I'm very proud of this off-the-cuff dad joke... My daughter is a ten-year-old who people think is 15. She's been at the 99th percentile for height her entire life. She normally eats like a horse, but for the last couple of days she hasn't finished her lunch. She says she's just not hungry. Me: "Maybe that means your growth is slowing down." Child: "That would be a relief." Me: "Why is that a relief?" Child: "Well, do YOU always like being tall?" Me: "Not always -- but being tall gets you a lot of respect." Child: "Why?" Me: "People really look up to you." She proceeded to chase me around the house trying to whack me on the head.

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw

I feel depleated

Said I’m taking things for “granite”

Urine for a good time.

It's pretty import ant.

Don’t plug it in.

Because ken comes in a different box

I thought, "How dairy?"

B - negative.

I finally had it and said, “Why do you treat me like dirt??”

I now call him Dav

Ride on, ride on

He said “them’s fighting words…”

He’s pretty cool, his name is Dr. Ink

So I clocked him