too close to the gas chamber

Because their favorite part is when the hooker returns the money.

On the TV, a suicidal man is on top of a building, threatening to jump. The blonde turns to the brunette and goes "I bet you 50 bucks he doesn't jump". Without hesitating, the brunette takes that bet and right after, sure enough, the man jumps. The blonde hands the brunette the 50 bucks, but the brunette replies, "I'm sorry, I feel bad, I can't take your money as I already saw this on the 5:00 news". The blonde replies back, "So did I - I just didn't think he would do it again".

Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

I added Paul walker on Xbox, but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

- You ladies from Scotland? - It's Wales you asshole. - Ohh I'm sorry, you whales from Scotland?

Grandpa does the frog noises, then asks his grandson why he brought it up. "Because I heard mommy and daddy say that when you croak we can fuck off to Disneyland!"

"I'm not good with kids, I'm not going to lie. Hell, a couple of months ago I dropped my cousins baby... Flat out, dropped my cousins baby on the ground. I don't feel like that was my fault. I don't feel responsible for that one. I mean, who in their right mind asks me, Anthony Jeselnik, to be a pall bearer?"

Because the whole state is inbred.

I don't know. But it gathers cotton very fast.

Similar to the World Trade Center. There used to be 2 of them, but now it’s too sensitive of a subject to discuss.

It's because we are simply better at everything

Jews don't pay for anything.

So that they know what it's like to live with an irritable cunt.

His-panic attacks.

What is the favorite festival of an orphan child? NeverSEEa my parents

But they can say other things like "Hi, Dad" or "Thanks for the warning, officer"

You don't peel the crust off a pizza before you eat it

And an old trucker pulls over to give the hitcher a ride. After about 10 minutes of silence, the gender fluid person asks "Well, aren't you curious if I'm a boy or a girl?" And the old trucker says "Not really, I'm gunna fuck ya either way."

There's no steering wheel at the back of the bus

No chance of stopping an uppercut.

They could’ve used the wheels for a bike for a normal kid.

Steven Hawking in a house fire.

Tell her your wife wants abortion rights. Then tell her its because the baby is a girl.

One is on the cover of Playboy and the other is on the cover of National Geographic.

They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Some of them are white.

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

I didn't see the driver so I'm not going to assume what gender she was.

Everytime they get a corner they open a store