How do you get an old lady to yell “fuck”?

A rural Indian kid goes to the city for a 3rd standard school interview, after someone notices his heaven sent talent for rote learning. The kid can't comprehend English, so the school janitor who is from the same village, gives him a tip: “Sit near the interview room and memorize the answers the other kids give—the questions are usually the same.” So the kid waits outside and listens closely. One kid goes in: “Who’s the father of the nation?” “Mahatma Gandhi,” the kid replies. Second question: “Who was the first woman Prime Minister of India?” “Indira Gandhi.” The third question is random each time, so the rural kid has trouble memorizing. One kid is asked: “Are aliens real?" The rural kid memorizes like his life depends on it. Now it’s his turn. The interviewer looks at his report and feels pity. So, he sends the kid to a different room. A different interviewer ask him a much easier set of questions. “What’s your father’s name?” The kid proudly says: “Mahatma Gandhi.” The interviewer raises an eyebrow and is confused but still continues, “Your mother’s name?” “Indira Gandhi,” the kid replies. Now irritated, the interviewer asks, “Are you insane?” The kid, without missing a beat, says: “I don’t know yet... scientists are still researching!"

He greets the priest and said, "Father, I need to talk to you." "Is it a confession, my son?" asked the priest. "No, Father." the man replied, "I need to clarify something." The Priest takes the man to his private chamber. "Tell me, my son. What is it?" "Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it." Smiling, the Priest replied, "My son, as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: the altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung. Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself: '*I'LL ALTER HIM.'"*

And says “where’s the bar tender ? “

You're one of them.

He told me he's a big fan of poultry

Taxidermist traps them all in a room, and reveals that he's an escaped murderer, and the reporters made him look bad in a previous story. So the guy goes, "Ya'll made me look terrible, like a monster, and now you're gonna redeem yourselves. So tell me what you're gonna do, or die." First reporter says, "We'll retract the story, and say it was someone else!" Guy goes, "Great, great, that's what I wanna hear. Now you." Second reporter goes, "We'll make sure to issue an apology, and we won't cover anymore mur-accidents..." Guy goes, "Good. Good." He turns to the third reporter, "Now what about you?" Reporter says, "Nothing." "Nothing, whaddya mean nothing?" "You kidding? We're live right now! This is gonna be my best story yet!"

So he goes in and says he'd like to try out. The owner tells him, "There's the piano. Let's hear what you got." The guy plays a haunting, soulful melody that is just beautiful. The bar owner is impressed and asks the guy what song it was. "It's my own composition. I call it 'Weasels Ate My Genitals.'" Taken aback, the owner replies, "Um okay. Let's hear another one." Again, the guy plays virtuoso piano but this time it's an upbeat jazzy number that had the owner dancing in his seat. "That's great!", he said. "What's that song?" "That's mine too. It's called 'Shit in My Mouth. I Love it." The owner is shocked again but he has to have this guy in his place. He hires him but says he shouldn't tell people the names of his songs. The guy agrees. When he starts playing at the bar, he's an instant hit. Everyone is digging his music and his tip jar is full. After a nice long set, he takes a quick bathroom break. As he's coming back, a lady stops him and says, "Do you know your zipper is open and your dick is hanging out?" "Know it?", he replied."Hell lady, I *wrote* it!"

It was love at first shite

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale." In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) "Billy Bob's Barbecue". The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

They belong on a rack in my cellar