Given how satisfying it is, I dont think placing old cars in a hydraulic compressor counts as work

I said, “Just our No-Z neighbor.”

Curtis was no ordinary man. You see, he was MAGICAL. Nearly omnipotent. One day, Curtis decides to make use of his power, and he takes a marker, and a trillion sheets of paper. On each sheet he draws an E as large as he can. Every time you did someone a favor, or just a nice thing one of these would show up in your pocket. Tip your waiter, hold the door for someone, you’d get one of these. Ooh boy, when people figured THAT out, these things had value. Everyone was doing nice shit!! So much nice shit, eventually the market became flooded with these magical sheets of paper. Soon enough, they lost their value. And still to this day, whenever you do the right thing you’ll get one of these sheets. But, it’s just another common Curtis-E.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

Prime Rib!

I was dicing with death. (Tim vine)

“I’m not Willie Nelson”

A mare-age.

I guess next time I should wait till August, I sat her down and explained what I did, and all she kept yelling back was “why July, why July.” Guess I just have bad timing.

So I always get asked if I have any trips planned. My response is always "No, any trips are always unplanned. But they always result in me falling flat on my face"

How inconsilicate!