The new pope, a competitive swimmer in his youth, goes for a swim in the Mediterranean Sea late one evening.

He said, "fetch me some kale while you're rabbit!"

He wanted to get up *oily* in the morning.

Pat works in Dublin zoo and has a van full of monkeys jumping around in the back of his van, he has to deliver the monkeys to the zoo before the end of the day but as he’s driving down the motorway his van breaks down, pat hops out the van defeated, until he sees his buddy Mick driving down the opposite direction. Pat waves down Mick and explains his situation. “Here’s 50 euro, take the monkeys to the zoo while I wait for a tow” says Pat, Mick agrees and off he goes down the road with the monkeys in the back of his van. Three hours pass and Pat is still stuck on the side of the road when he sees Mick speeding back up the road with all the monkeys still in the van, Pat waves him down furiously and says “what the fuck are you doing with the monkeys you were supposed to bring them to the zoo” to which Mick replies “I did Pat, but I’ve 20 euro left over so I’m bringing them to the cinema now”.

Because it's not in English

\[Deleted\]

Bidet, mate.

When it's not humerus at all.

They have no-pal

Because they hate Windows.

He asks the employee for a pair of shoes he likes. The employee, in his experience, looks at the man's feet: "You look like a size 10." The man says: "Yes, but I'm gonna need a size 8." The employee doesn't really understand why but brings out a size 8 and watches the man force himself into these tight shoes. It's a struggle. The man manages to put them on, limps around a little bit, says "I'll take them" and walks out wearing them. Next week the man comes back. Picks another pair of shoes, only this time he wants a size 7. The employee doesn't mind so much, he's selling shoes and the guy pays in full, so he complies. This time it's an even bigger struggle, but sure enough manages with a couple of shoehorns, pays and limps out. The week after, same thing, the man walks in and asks for a size 6. At this point the employee has to ask: "What is it with the shoes?" And the man goes: "Well, my wife left me, my kids won't talk to me, I hate my job and don't get paid enough for it, I have no friends or colleagues, but at least at the end of the day I can come home and take these fuckin' shoes off!"