Why did the banana go to the doctor?

The first man asked the second man, “Why is there an empty seat at the Super Bowl?” The second man answered , “it was my wife’s seat. My wife passed away”. The first man said, “Sorry to hear that. Couldn’t you have brought one of your friends?” The second man said,”No, they’re all attending her funeral.”

Blonde, Brunette Redhead racing around town in a sports car with the top down late on a Saturday night. As they race down the boulevard right near their house, a cop going the other way flips on it's lights and sirens and starts to do a U turn to give chase. The Blonde, Brunette and Redhead are right around the corner from their house so they do a quick turn down a side street and start heading down an alley right behind their house, but they cannot quite make it to their driveway before they see the cop lights shining down the alley. Before the cop can get their car into the alley the 3 girls jump out of the convertible and each jumps into a burlap sack next to some trashcans. The cops pull in behind the now empty car but do not see the girls. One of the cops sees the burlap sacks and gives one a kick. The Brunette says: "meow, meow" "oh, there are cats in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the next sack a kick and the red head says: "arf, arf". "oh, there are dogs in this sack" says the cop. So the cop gives the last sack a kick and the blonde says: "potato".

He followed the fragrance, only to discover it was coming from a bear - who had now caught him. He nervously asked the bear "How do you have such unbearable body odor?"

Nails, screws, or bolts.

And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks

And they sit down at the bar and ask the barman for three pints of lager The barman says ‘Certainly… £21.80… Do you know it’s funny, we don’t see many wild zoo animals from the plains of Africa turning up in little local pubs around these parts too often!’ And the elephant piped up ‘no wonder at those prices’

So he takes this woman out for dinner, shows her a good night: a steak meal, sharing a dessert, lots of expensive wine. And then after that he takes her to his car, and they park in a secluded spot and he’s just about to go and make love to her on the back seats… when suddenly, he bottles it, he realises he loves his wife too much and he couldn’t possibly ever bring himself to properly cheat on her. But, not wanted to leave the woman he took out for dinner disappointed he phones his best friend and asks if he will come and help him out. So his best friend comes over from his house, climbs into the back of the car and says to the woman ‘ hi there, unfortunately my friend had to leave but I’m here now and if you wish, I can still make love to you just as good as he would have’ At this moment, a police officer is walking past and gets suspicious of the scene so he walks over and shines his torch in the car and says to the pair ‘Excuse me, are you two alright in here? Is this man bothering you Miss?’ And the man, thinking on his feet says, ‘no no officer you’ve got the wrong idea… this woman is actually my wife’ And the officer says ‘ah I’m very sorry, I didn’t realise she was your wife’ And the man says ‘In all fairness, until you switched on your torch; neither did I!’

I went to an antique auction yesterday. 3 people bid on me.

Apparently not everyone is into drinking Nut Juice.

...Four tops.