A group in Mexico was asked how they felt about planned expansions to the border wall.

A tired businessman walks into a bar and sees a dusty old lamp on a shelf behind the counter. He asks the bartender, “Hey, what’s with the lamp?” Bartender shrugs, “Rub it if you want. But I’m warning you — the genie’s... a bit weird.” The man, half-drunk and curious, grabs the lamp and gives it a rub. Poof! A genie appears. The genie says, “You get one wish. Make it count.” The man thinks long and hard, then says, “Alright, I want a billion bucks and to be irresistible to every woman I meet.” The genie nods, snaps his fingers — and poof — the man is transformed into… a giant credit card. The bartender bursts out laughing. The man screams, “What the hell?!” The bartender shrugs, “Told you he was weird. He’s literal — last guy wished for a long, hard night, and woke up as a Viagra pill in a retirement home.”

He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right." Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

To the doc(k)

I figured it's only getting lawnger.

A hoarderculturist!

Luckily it was one of my bad tires.

A little girl was usually driven to school by her grandad but one day he was ill so her grandma took her instead. That evening her parents asked her how the journey was. “It was very different”, she said. “How's that”, they asked. “Well”, she said, “during the whole journey we didn't see a single tosser, blind idiot, stupid bastard or wanker”.

Two Test Tickles.

Officials said that Harley's aren't fair.

Because every time someone says "Oh God," the other starts praying instead of playing.