If your toddler loves vehicles, their spirit animal is a crow

I think they suck

Seen your (senior) Buthole

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise' 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'

Custom Office :have you ever been convicted of any crimes? Me: I didn't realize that was still a requirement for getting in here

Best damn show i have ever seen.

As he got his ticket, the agent looked at the raccoon and said, “Would you like to check that?” “No thank you” the vulture replied. “It’s carrion.”

My weird uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain. He comes out late at night to ring people's doorbells because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

But you wouldn’t have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

I’d be lost without it.

She needed some space.