A beggar comes to him, “Sir, can you please give me some money?” The rich guy replies, “I don’t have any cash with me, but I have this bottle of scotch whisky.” “Sir, I don’t drink.” “Okay, then take this packet of cigarettes.” “I don’t smoke sir.” “Okay, then how about these gambling chips you can use in that casino.” “I also don’t gamble sir.” “Then how about I introduce you to this nice girl….” “Sir, I have a wife at home who I love very much.” The rich guy fumbles and gets a card from his pocket, “okay, this is my card, come to my home tomorrow and i will introduce you to my wife and then give you as much money as you need.” The beggar is confused, “Why do I need to get introduced to your wife, sir?” “Oh that’s because I wanna show her when a guy does not drink, or smoke, or gamble, or have fun with girls…this is what happens to him!”

She walks into an Internet café to send an e-mail to her mom back home. She doesn’t know how to work the computers so she goes up to the guy on the desk and says: “Excuse me could you help me send an e-mail to my mom?” "Sure," he says to her, “But it will cost you.” The blonde says, “Sure I’ll do anything for my mom.” “In that case, follow me.” She follows him into the back room and he pushes her down onto her knees, he unzips his trousers and pulls down his boxers. “Well go on then, you said you’d do anything!” So she grabs his penis, holds it up to her mouth and says: “Hello… mom are you there?”

Sharing your Netflix account isn’t a victimless crime.

They should both be legal.

They all stroked cause they wanted to be with Carrie.

Optimistic.

Haji comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor. The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes." Haji takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes. Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked! I feel terrific. What was it?" The doctor replies, "You were homesick."

Now she’ll finally learn about rejection

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we had sex then and there. I love my new taser.

Bill tried to cheer up Hillary this morning by reminding her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president until after he had served 27 years in prison.

They do it all the time, but get really angry when white people join in.

A Muslim walks into a gay bar in Florida The bartender asks "what will you have?" The Muslim replies "shots for everyone"

On the school bus the little pricks are on the inside.

So I've promised to make a real effort to learn her kid's real names.

Isaac Newton died a virgin

One's in Playboy, the other's in National Geographic.

Loading the dishwasher

When the devil tells the priest to exit the child's body

at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

Neighbor.

Because they would never get returned

Behind a badge.   Edit: Ladies and gentlemen, [I have been ripped off.](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2pgvct/where_do_you_hide_after_a_murder/) I shall be gracious and not pursue legal action even though [Nigga stole my yoshi.](http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/930873/nigga-stole-my-yoshi-o.gif) edit2: some of the comments in that thread are fantastic

Because i don’t like to meet parents

The bartender asks “what’ll it be officer?”

Oh shit this isn't Google...

Because the last one who had a dream got shot.

While on the trip they are attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The Jew is able to escape; however, the Czech gets eaten by the male bear. Being a good Samaritan the Jew alerts the park ranger that there are two bears on the loose, one of which has eaten his friend. The park ranger then proceeds to kill both of the bears. The Jew asks the park ranger if he can cut the male bear open, so he can retrieve his friend’s remains for a proper burial. The park ranger agrees and goes on to cut open the female bear; the Jew is confused and ask the park ranger why is he cutting the female open when he clearly said his friend is in the male bear. To which, the park ranger responds, “I never trust a Jew that tells me the check’s in the mail!”

It seems to hit them way too close to home.