Did you hear about the jalapeno pepper that died?

Yeah, a 110 years after.

It was hard

When I was a priest in a small village on the outskirts of Naples, I once officiated the wedding of the ugliest girl I had ever seen. After the ceremony, her father came up to me and asked, “Father, how much do I owe you for the service?” I gave my usual answer: “The church accepts a donation based on how beautiful you think the bride is.” He paused, turned to look at his daughter for a moment… then handed me 10 euros. I gave him 5 back.

I asked, "Similar?" She said, "Yes, thank you!"

A man decides to clean up for his wife and cleans the bedroom. While putting things away he discovers a drawer with 7 golf balls and $8500 in cash. He puzzles over this but finishes up. His wife comes home and he asks”dear I was cleaning up and discovered a drawer with golfballs in it” She gets very quiet and says “well over the years every time I cheated on you i put a golfball in that drawer” He thinks a bit and says “well we have been married 25 years I guess I can forgive a few transgressions , but what’s with the $8,500?” She doesn’t hesitate and says “well, every time I got an even dozen I sold them”

He wanted to get a long little doggy!

She gives him this order: "I need you to go to the grocery store and pick up 10 eggs, while you are there I need you to get 20 bags of bread and I need you to get two gallons of milk. also, if you can then go to Subway which is 13 minutes away and bring back two sandwiches for lunch and some popcorn. After that you can return here" He never came back home.

…so I reached out to my doctor about getting a hand job.

I told him to quit Stalin and get to the punchline already