What spray do they use to kill bugs in Alabama?

He followed the fragrance, only to discover it was coming from a bear - who had now caught him. He nervously asked the bear "How do you have such unbearable body odor?"

Nails, screws, or bolts.

And the other thinks U2 are for pretentious dicks

And they sit down at the bar and ask the barman for three pints of lager The barman says ‘Certainly… £21.80… Do you know it’s funny, we don’t see many wild zoo animals from the plains of Africa turning up in little local pubs around these parts too often!’ And the elephant piped up ‘no wonder at those prices’

So he takes this woman out for dinner, shows her a good night: a steak meal, sharing a dessert, lots of expensive wine. And then after that he takes her to his car, and they park in a secluded spot and he’s just about to go and make love to her on the back seats… when suddenly, he bottles it, he realises he loves his wife too much and he couldn’t possibly ever bring himself to properly cheat on her. But, not wanted to leave the woman he took out for dinner disappointed he phones his best friend and asks if he will come and help him out. So his best friend comes over from his house, climbs into the back of the car and says to the woman ‘ hi there, unfortunately my friend had to leave but I’m here now and if you wish, I can still make love to you just as good as he would have’ At this moment, a police officer is walking past and gets suspicious of the scene so he walks over and shines his torch in the car and says to the pair ‘Excuse me, are you two alright in here? Is this man bothering you Miss?’ And the man, thinking on his feet says, ‘no no officer you’ve got the wrong idea… this woman is actually my wife’ And the officer says ‘ah I’m very sorry, I didn’t realise she was your wife’ And the man says ‘In all fairness, until you switched on your torch; neither did I!’

I went to an antique auction yesterday. 3 people bid on me.

Apparently not everyone is into drinking Nut Juice.

...Four tops.

It’s springtime!

He’s asked by the waiter what he will have to eat, to which Hitler replies: “To start off, I’ll have the Saarland, and for the main course I’ll have Austria.” The waiter takes his order and leaves. Later, once Hitler’s all done, the waiter returns and asks, “what will you have for dessert?” And Hitler just says, “No dessert, just the Czech.”