【80+ LOL】Corny Dad Jokes Collection: Hilarious Classics for Family & Friends!

I regret losing people in my life.

Perhaps being a trail guide isn't for me.

What did one plate say to another?

Dinner’s on me!

You hear all the talk about the boarding house that blew up?

Roomers are flying!

I am not running away from hard work.

I am too lazy to do that.

My tailor told me my suit was a ‘Mark-F’…

Which is one size bigger than a Marquee!

My goal for this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

I used to study 19th century German philosophy

But I decided it was a bit too Nietzsche

So far I’m having a bad Easter

All my eggs dyed

Tomorrow, everything goes farther right.

Because it's East-er.

Mr Algebra stop asking about your 'X.'

She is never coming back, and don't ask 'Y.'

Just spent £50 on a belt that doesn’t fit.

What a huge waist!

Who killed joy?

Comparison

Why do bees have sticky hair?

... because they have honeycombs.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of trousers?

In case he got a hole-in-one.

Why did the belt get arrested?

It held up a pair of pants.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNGGGGG!!!!!

Today my wife told me “I need to go to the bathroom for urination”

I hope she had a better reason, because I am not a nation.

Why does U hate V?

Because VWX *snarkle

Chinese Food.

Just got my partner with this. I carried in the Chinese takeout. “You got scammed, honey!” She said, “How?” I gave her the wonton soup. “There’s no way that’s one ton of soup.”

Why doesn't Randy Newman live in a coastal town?

Because he doesn't like shore people.

I went camping at a campground right on the ocean where you can feed the dolphins fish from your campsite.

For all in tents and porpoises, it was a really great experience

I laid in bed last night just staring at the stars and wondering..

What the hell happened to my roof?!

Don't hate me for this

I took my kids on a night out for fun... as we was leaving they are jumping around excited I say looms like u guys had a ball... They stop and stared at me straight faced.... EVERY ONE DID DAD YOU TOOK US BOWLING

Why was the mushroom not a fungi during game night?

He engaged in too much shiitake!

What do you call walking in Bear country in Alaska alone and unarmed?

Going to the Maul

My prof said we’re going to have a test covering all the oceans in the world

I said Can you be more Pacific

Why do runners not eat before a race?

Because they fast.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say "hello" from the other side.

When I was a kid, I got into a fight with the captain of the math club.

I got fed up with him Boolean me.

Why don't grasshoppers worry about the economy?

It's outside their locust of control.

What has 8 eyes and has the letters S, P and I in its name?

Two mississippis

Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don’t work.

I just flew in from California.

Boy, are my arms tired!

What is Forrest Gump's favorite pasta?

Penne (Pen-nay like Jen-nay)

How do you lure a pervert? (NSFW)

Just add the NSFW tag.

There are no enterologists named Joseph in MASH units...

...because they're all needed in combat. They know a lot, and that's half the battle already.

What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?

My hand.

I received an email inviting me to come to a pond and use my cane pole with some chicken livers

It was cat fishing

You’re only able to be anti-Fascist and anti-Communist at the same time if you identify with the Iron Front

And that’s a big IF!

My friend is starting to become obsessed with wood carving…

I think he has a whittle problem!

Matt Damon is a lot wiser than you think.

He wasn’t Bourne yesterday.

The wind blew the glass off the greenhouse again

Is been a real pane in the grass

I phoned up the local builders and said “I wanna skip on my drive”

He said “I’m not stopping you.”

Big dental procedure tomorrow

Moment of tooth

One morning, Elf was found dead with Ep’s antique fork in its chest. In a rage, Hymn called the local detective to arrest Ep. The detective showed up on scene, analyzed the evidence and declared, “Ep has been framed.” “How can you tell?” sputtered Hymn.

The detective was appalled. “You don’t know? I thought it was common knowledge that Ep’s tine didn’t kill Hymn’s Elf.”

My neighbor Janet said she’d push me out the door if I made up any more puns about The Monkees. I thought she was joking.

Then I saw her face

Murphy the furniture dealer

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate his new acquisition he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed the small place was quite crowded and the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, and asked him something in French, which Murphy couldn’t understand. So he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English but she didn’t understand him either. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it. She nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young woman took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

How did the pepper make the other pepper blush?

He asked her on a datil!

I asked my friend why he quit his job drilling mines.

He said it was boring.

Did you hear about the thief's who fell in the wet cement?

They were harden criminals.

A widow is sitting at her husband's funeral

A man asks her: "mind if I say a word?". "No, of course not", the woman answers. The man stands, clears hos throat says "Plethora", and sits back down. "Thanks", the woman says, "that means a lot"

I drove a Japanese car for the first time in my life last week.

When I turned on the radio, I couldn't understand a word they were saying.

I wanted to write a novel very quickly, so after finding a good idea, I started writing nights and days for a whole week without a break. When I showed it to my teacher she didn't like it.

Apparently, a novel with just the three words nights and days was not good enough.

Authorities recently captured a man who was storing narcotics inside a sculpture.

That was a huge drug bust.

My girlfriend dumped me while going up in an elevator.

It hurt me on many levels.

Every day when I start my computer, it recommends yet another news story about the Japan Trench.

I guess those are de fault settings.

I Roasted some potatoes last night

They’re pretty salty about it

Production for a third installment of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids was halted when Sylvester Stallone joined the cast.

Things just got a little Rocky.

I called a tow truck.

A truck full of feet showed up. Guess I should’ve been more specific.

SCUBA is an acronym for Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. Did you know that TUBA is also an acronym?

*Terrible* Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

I just spent $600 on a limo rental but forgot to hire a driver

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

NASA has place three buffalo from Lexington/Concord into orbit

It's the herd shot 'round the world

My dad always told me I was a lovely singer…

Not a good one

Wife threw a one liner this AM.

I was putting on pajamas this morning that were covered in dog hair. Told my golden retriever I wasn't messy, I was just cosplaying being him. Without looking up from her phone my wife says.... pawsplay!

What does ADHD stand for?

Attention Deficit HEY DOUGHNUTS!!!

What's a polka musician's favorite drink?

Weird Ale Yankovich.

When did the door have an identity crisis?

When it was ajar.

Yesterday I had a date

And then I ate a few more this morning, very delicious

Daughter: Dad, can I eat breakfast?

As part of this subreddit, I can't believe she asked me that

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms.

What is a notaries favorite type of seating?

Assigned seats. Pretty sure that this is the first time I have heard this in the wild.

What did the doctor prescribe the Greek guy to help with his snake problem?

Antihisstamines

It was the day before my wife’s second Cesarean. We knew it was going to be another boy.

Guess which song from “Annie” I queued up to play on her alarm?

an egyptian pharaoh made headlines last week

his name was nu'us aht tehn

What do you call a bunch of cows...

In French maid outfits? A Sweep-steaks!

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

a meowtain.

What would you call a cross between a sheep and a deer?

Baaaaaaambi.

I had a teacher who never farted in public.

She was a private tutor.

Why did the train get in trouble?

He had loco motives

What do you call a woman that doesn’t trust Big Pharma?

Mrs. Doubtpfizer.