100 Funny Dad Jokes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh All Day!

We have a nor'easter out here in Boston. I'm going out to catch some fog.

Well that didn't work because I mist..

I am Buzz Aldrin, second man to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

I'm tired of telling these Dentist jokes...

I say the tooth, no lies.

There are lots of varieties of tree that can be used for firewood 🪵

But in the end they’re all ash 🌿

I've chosen to go in the direction of the awk.

My path is awkward.

My dad got his phone stolen recently, and I started getting messages asking me for money

Looks like he got it back

If you forgot the purpose of a boomerang, try not to stress out about it.

It’ll come back to you eventually.

Need a joke fast!

I’m about to go into a fertility clinic for IUI. That means I will press a plunger that inserts my semen into my wife. I want a punchline for when I press the plunger. Current front-runners: Yahtzee Was it good for you? Want a cigarette? See you in 9 months.

I needed a psychoanalytic therapy but couldn't afford one

So I hooked up with an archaeologist

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?

A thesaurus

Noah’s Ark

2 Unicorns talking on the Ark during the Great Flood “ Wel I suppose it’s up to you and me to repopulate the world when it stops raining. We should get to know each other. My name is Robert, what’s yours?”

My friends always made sure I was PISSED OFF

So then I made them PISSED ON. Ever since, they never tried to piss me OFF again!

Do you like listening to Sabrina Carpenter?

Well, it's not my cup of tea.

What kind of dolls do pirates play with?

Baaaaaaarrrbies!

What do you call music made by a musician that isn't alive?

A dead beat. What do you call music made by a musician that's ill? A sick beat.

Why couldn't the ceramicist catch their newest piece that ran away?

It was using e*VASE*ive maneuvers!

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover

My dad owned the largest shopping center in the city. But he died when the government took it away through eminent domain.

Doctors think it was a grand mall seizure.

What do you call the area where all the members of The Round Table live?

A knight’hood

I will return the earbuds I bought recently.

It hertz when I wear it.

Did you hear of the tired broom?

He was feeling very sweepy

I’m off to see ‘HR - The Movie’ tomorrow

This time it’s personnel!

I asked my wife what was wrong, and she said she was still mad at me for all the times I used to randomly say “pathatsst” to her.

I’m like, “C’mon babe, that’s in the past.”

IBM

U BM, we all BM, for IBM!

I was walking at a sidewalk and a Crow stopped me:

-Would you like to donate to a charity? -What's the name of the charity? -CAW CAW CAW CAW. It's four good caws.

I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

A delusional solicitor came to my door and said, “I’m a dog walker.”

I stopped them right there and was like, “How the *hell* did you know my name is Walker??”

My son choked on his train-themed birthday cake.

Guess he bit off more than he could choo.

My electrical engineer friend just found out that his GF was cheating on him and all I could say was...

I understand buddy, truth hertz.

I adopted a dog from a locksmith.

As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.

The bunny managed one more hop, just keeping my tire from hitting him

Thankfully, missed him by a hare.

What do you call it when there are too many knights at the round table?

A Sir-plus

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

It's not because Seven ate Nine, like most people believe. They once went camping, and Seven One-ted, Two bring Three knifes Four sur-Five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretle h-Eight-ed him and did not have be-Nine in-Ten-tions

What does the woman tree say to the guy tree?

"I'm leafing you!"

I had my first experience with sleep paralysis last night, turns out Gloria Gaynor is my sleep paralysis demon.

I woke up seeing her floating over me. And at first I was afraid, I was petrified...

I tried to train my cat to high-five...

Now she just paws all my legal documents without reading them.

What do u call it when u have rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Thrice.

A guy gets home having just listened to the radio news....

He say to his flatmate: "Hey did you just hear the news?" FM: "No, what's happened?" Him: "That actress that you like got stabbed!!" FM: "Oh, thanks that really narrows it down, I like a lot of actresses. What is her name?!" "Him: I can't remember now..... Oh it was Ree, Rise, Rice, HAH I remember now it's Reese... something" FM: "Witherspoon??" Him: "Nah, with a knife, you dick" (No Reese Witherspoons where harmed in retelling this (old) joke)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how to do it.

My dream job is to work with mirrors.

I can really see myself doing that!

I ordered a book called how to scam people online

It’s been six months now and I still haven’t received it.

My ex was beautiful but she had a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone else on the side…

I hate my job crushing aluminum cans at the recycling center.

It's soda pressing!

Casual conversation grotesques me.

It's discussing.

So I took advice from a chicken yesterday

Bad idea. Don't cross that road if you come to it.

Ant farms are proof that even before computers were widely available...

...people were already framing bugs as features.

A dragon will never explode,

but a Dino might.

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference For instance,

“Let’s eat, Frank.” has a completely different meaning from “Frank is in a coma.”

My plane was sick the other day

Yeah it had the flew

The American metrics association wanted to change the unit of measurement from foot to metre

But their proposal was ve-toed

What do you call a hen that can count its own eggs?

A mathemachicken

My cloning machine finally worked.

I am beside myself.

Annual Physical

So, my doctor handed me a sticker with my name on it. “This is for your urine sample,” he told me. I stared at it, puzzled, “Really? Last year I got a cup.”

Have you heard of the sick book?

He turned out to be all write

I told my daughter she's like a 90's sitcom.

She's usually pretty funny but occasionally has an emotional episode.

I suggested to my friend that the Scandinavian countries should unify and call themselves Swedenmark.

He said Norway

I asked a cat wether he liked milk

He said Perhaps-ps-ps

I have two young calves pull my cart in the farm.

You can say I have a two vealer. Two more, and I’d have a 4 veal drive.

my friend had to end her relationship with the successful anesthesiologist she was seeing

my friend said that he was a great guy but she just didn't feel anything

What's the name of a mannequin who shows clothes that cover the upper human body?

Top model.

My dick's so big…

that I keep my girlfriend happy in a long distance relationship!

I am seeing flouride mentioned a lot in the news recently

But what about ceilingide?

I got in an casual argument with a grizzly bear once, made him so angry he started to turn white. I stopped immediately...

...as it was clear he found the issue polarising. (I'm so proud to have made this one up, I credit it to becoming a dad 9 weeks ago)

There is a new law for buying veggies at the grocery

The law states: if you buy Carrots, you must also buy Cabbage and Onion. Its Cole's Law

ATTEMPT at programming humor....

I can never finish anything i start... I blame my parents. They thought they were raising me to be exceptional, >!&#x200B;!<instead they raised me as an Exception>!&#x200B;!<

My niece calls me "ankle"

I call her "my knees"

My buddy keeps asking me to rate his new gf out of ten.

I've told him it's asinine. Boobs a seven and face an eight.

My little boy asked what caused the water cycle

I said sun, why do you ask

It turns out, Americans do use the Metric system....

.... In Schools. It's usually a 9mm.

I hired a handy man & gave him a to-do list while out of town

When I returned, he had only completed #1, #3 & #5. Turns out he only does odd jobs

What’s the best stock to buy?

DraftKings—it’s just betting on the house.

Tried to start a business deodorizing fiddles.

But nobody much cares for scents-less violins.

I wasn't given a cremation permit...

I had to urn it.

Which government agency is responsible for regulating halitosis?

The US Mint.

Mexican guy goes to Little Caesars and is didappointed.

He was hoping to find nose hair clippers.

I sat down today to do an Airfix kit but I couldn’t. The instructions were all metallic and shiny.

I thought some bastard has foiled my plans

I made my gf a lovely Lebanese dinner but it ended up giving her food poisoning.

Safe to say i falafel about it

I heard today that the American factory which makes coins shut down completely and no one knows why

I thought. That makes no cents

Which luxury car is preferred by sushi chefs around the world?

Rolls rice

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society

for spilling the beans

My kid says they want me to spend a bunch of money on a 3D printer.

I pointed out that our cheap ink jet printer can print all the "D"s they need.

What did Abe Lincoln say when he got a kidney stone?

This too shall pass!

A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.

Pun in, ten dead.

I created a great name for a new fighting video game…

But the name was already Tekken.

I took my friend whose a DJ fishing one time and it was horrible

He kept dropping the bass.

Burglars took all of my possessions but left my Play-Doh collection

I don't know what to make of it

Smell this

Hnmm, does this smell like chloroform to you?

I just landed a marketing position at a company that makes foam rubber…

So far it seems like a pretty cushy job.

Why do dodo birds' nests smell bad?

Because their eggs-stink.

Why do Norwegians put barcodes on the side of their boats?

So they can scan de navy in

What do you call the priest on Sesame Street?

Pastor of Muppets

What do you call the guy who controls an actor?

Adam’s handler

I want to learn how to sew.

It’s not as easy as it seams.

What meat is missing in Bruce Wayne's hometown?

Pork, because even in the name it asks "Got ham?"

Why the banana went to the doctor?

Because it wasn't peeling well!

So I went to an eye doctor, and he asked me, "Can you imagine a world without glasses?"

"Yes," I said, "we wouldn't be able to drink water then."

I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'...

The result was 'This page cannot be found.'

What do you call a dog’s first meal of the day?

Barkfest!

I was asked to name two structures that contain water...

I was like "Well, dam!"

If you want to become a successful DJ

you gotta to start from scratch.

Why is it spelled "camouflage"?

and not

Who said, "Go ahead, make my day."?

Harry Callahan / Clint Eastwood Who said, "**Hasta la vista, baby**." T-800 / Arnold Schwarzenegger Who said, "**Don't push me man, just don't push me**." Humpty Dumpty

What do birds do when they get together?

They exchange pleasant trees

Why can’t the British pronounce the letter T?

Because the Americans dropped it! I don’t know if it’s original I did come up with it, and wanted to test the wa’ers

The inventor of cold and flu syrup died..

He'd left us with such a good invention that there was *no coffin* at his funeral.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: Duck, eggs!

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me.

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A Labracadabrador

Whats black and white and red all over?

A zebra in a lion's mouth

I must have Alzheimer's

Because I don't remember how to finish this joke

I usually tell dad jokes…

I usually tell dad jokes, most of the time he laughs.

I spent my entire life savings on pasta.

It was worth every penne.

I told my father that I was having a rough time. He said cheer up, the winds of change are coming.

Then he started throwing quarters at me until I left.

Found this in an insta comment

Real G's move in silence like lasagna.

I was trying to find out what cheese made the best adhesive.

Turns out: mozzarella sticks!

Food

I was really hoping no fast food item would call my phone but then, onion rings.

I had a stock of perfumes which I planned to sell for $100 per bottle, but since people weren't buying it I had to sell them for half the price.

I made only 50 per scent.

What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

You play a fiddle with your shoes off.

I opened a bank account specifically for money I spend at Ikea

It's my Hej fund

My bladder is so unstable

It's pronouns are wee/wee

Now that I'm older, I get exhausted just going to the bathroom.

It really takes a lot out of me.