100 Funny Dad Jokes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh All Day!

My girlfriend broke up with me, she thinks I'm childish.

So I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the door bell and then ran away.

Who did the Pharaoh turn to when he was sad?

His mummy

Did you hear about King Kong’s sporty cousin?

They call him Ping Pong

I got fired from my job because I simply kept asking customers if they want the smoking or non-smoking section.

It was at a funeral home and I guess I should have been asking if they wanted to be cremated or have a regular service

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged on the counter

Why did I call Arnold Schwarzenegger to get rid of mice in my house?

Because he's an ex-terminator!

My friend and I were walking past some arguing British when he said this:

"Dude, they're screaming in angrish."

My wife didn't want to go to the movies with us today

she said: it's not mine craft, it's your craft.

A friend of mine is a redhead, and her name is the reason why I know she's gonna be arrested.

She's Jessica Robbit.

Why shouldn’t you fart in an Apple Store?

They don’t have windows.

Our neighbor is very anti-social…

…The sign on his door says: “doorbell not working please don’t knock.”

a man tried selling me a coffin yesterday

thats the last thing i need

Why does the Pope rely on the Swiss Guard?

Because, like their cheese, they're holy. Too soon?

I made some butterscotch custard for my family, but I added too much salt….

It was off pudding.

why did the newspaper blush?

it saw the comic strip

What do you call a deer with its eyes poked out?

No eye deer!

100 people are standing single file. A professional boxer goes down the row and hits each one with a jab.

That's the punchline

Hey, gingerbread man. Smile.

You're on Candy Camera!

You know what's hard to draw?

A bath with water which has high mineral content.

I read the expiration date on a milk carton and thought to myself

“geez spoiler alert”

A black guy, a white guy, a Jewish guy and a Mexican walk into a bar.

They are friends and enjoy a beer together.

I was once kicked in the balls by Satan

It hurt like Hell

A man walks into a bar.

Ouch! he said

Why was the vampiress always dressed so extravagantly?

Because she could never see herself in de-mure!

I bet my son his allowance money that I already own an Nintendo Switch 2.

He said “No way!!” I said “You have your Switch and I have a Nintendo Switch, too!”

Texting jokes can be hard to understand.

Without a voice it had no dial tone...

I just got back from a hacker's funeral.

He was encrypted in a cemetery.

An Italian place that sells pizza is called a “pizzeria”

So would an Italian place that sells diary’s be called a “Diarrhea”

Why did the bum die?

Had a fart attack.

What do you call reporters who are always at the Whitehouse?

Permanent Press

I accidentally sent jokes meant for my wife to a wrong number…

She doesn’t get them at all

I found myself often thinking about commissioning a painting of my.previous wives together, both deep in thought...

I Eventually decided it wasn't worth it... After all, was just Two Ex, Pensive

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Titanic?

Yeah I don’t fully remember the plot of the movie, all I know is that something big goes down.

Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?

He was too far out.

I went on a couple dates with a pirate. At first I was skeptical, but then I spent a night in bed with her.

That’s when I was hooked.

Why didn't I have fun at your haunted house?

Well, nothing jumps out at me.

How can you tell if a skeleton is sick?

If it's coffin up a storm

Why did the marine biologist think Pablo Picasso was a female horseshoe crab?

His blue period.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

7 was arrested for three separate accounts of premeditated murder on June 3rd 1979, escaped jail and is now on the run from the law. 6 was the one who turned him in. So, of course he'll be after them

I hate it when people stop me and ask me for directions.

I tell them where to go!

What is small, red and whispers?

A hoarse radish

I had a really sad Friday night

And now I’m having a Saturday

I never flatulate.

I flatu-right-on-time.

An injured golfer

An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch, and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water-colours. "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and every time I get an erection I also get a headache.

I love my job

Lately colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge. I'm currently eating yogurt called Susan. How cute

There’s something really important I need to say. I’m just not sure how to say it.

>!Worcestershire!<

How many birds does or take to change a lightbulb?

One cannot, but Toucan.

What animal is the crispiest when you eat it?

A crab cause its a crust-acean 🦀

I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of her lip stick

She still isn’t talking to me

What team was highest on Sheduer Sanders?

ESPN (from my 11 year old nephew).

What’s the best move if you’re attacked by clowns?

Go for the juggler

Daryl Hannah

If Daryl Hannah had an ice cream cone, would it be "Daryl licked"?

Whenever I need toothpaste I buy Parodontax.

Which is slightly annoying since I only need one Dontax.

I pulled up to the drive-thru window and they told me, “That'll be $13.55, please.” I said, "Should be free for me” and gave them my coupon.

They shook their head. I guess the parking lot attendant lied to me when they said my ticket was good for In-N-Out privileges.

What did one piece of tape say to the other?

Let’s stick together.

I didn't know the Pope had 17 cats.

Apparently he was a Cat aholic

What is a bandit's least favorite cheese?

Karmasan

King Arthur's Roundtable

One of King Arthur's knights never returned from the Holy Wars: Sir Cophagus.

If my wife didn't have all her toes, I wouldn't have married her.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Back in high school my Scottish Environmental Science teacher had a way of always comparing Nature to a woman. So I’m sending him the chid support bills since It’s really his fault I got those women pregnant.

He always said "aye when ye get Bonnie bared don’t pollute!”

What happened to the murderous poet?

He was sentenced to death.

One big difference between men and women

is that if a woman says "Smell this", it usually smells nice

What did the husband say to his wife after accidentally sticking his arms through the legs of his jeans?

“Honey, I just shirt my pants!”

I thought my new aunpair was Polish until I noticed how long she took to do the hoovering.... I realised...

She must be Slo-vac

I'm such a good navigator

A self-driving car once asked me for directions

Sailor! How do you write 2 in Roman neumerals?

II, sir!

You screw a lightbulb into a lightbulb socket

So if the socket is on the ceiling, are you screwing up the lightbulb?

I spent $500 renting a limo but just learnt that the car doesn’t come with a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

What do you call someone who was born inside a car but suffocated and died outside?

Carborn dieoutside.

I grabbed a chemist and forced him to give me a vial of magnesium sulfate...

He claimed it's assault.

People were giving me guff for wearing a hat with a bank logo on it

But everyone should have a financial ad visor

If you lost an eye and the only way to replace it was using part of a tree... would you do it?

I would

When using the metric system, don't forget the term used for the middlemost measurement.

The center-meter.

#1 Starbucs, #2 McDonalds

That is what I see every time I use the bathroom

In an awkward moment my dad told me, that having sex with my mother was much like eating her cooking

If you don’t clean your plate, you’re not allowed to leave the room

Why did the Star Trek start get arrested for sexual misconduct?

Because William Shat-n-er

I gorged on 14 cans of alphabet soup a few days ago

Ended up having a crippling vowel movement. Then, was constipated with the consonants. At the doctor's office. No word yet.

Are you a glass half full or glass half empty kind of person?

I work at a chip bagging company. I'd say it's completely full.

What medicine do androids take when they are sick?

Robo-tussin

It’d be a big mistake to start flirting with nuns.

Trust me, you don’t wanna get into that habit.

Just saw a rare footage from WWE of Steve Austin struggling to cut a decent promo on the mic.

It was a Stone Cold Stutter.

What did the taco say to the sad burrito?

Don’t worry. We’ve all bean there.

It’s such a bummer that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have all been fighting with each other for centuries.

Hinduism on the other hand, they never had any beef!

What's a cow's favourite night-time activity?

Stargrazing

Superman is hovering over the skies of Metropolis...

He notices Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on the rooftop of a luxurious hotel suite, so he thinks to himself; "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her and she won't even know what happened!" He swoops down to where she is, does the deed, then flies away with a big smile. Startled, Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?" "I don't know but my ass hurts," replied The Invisible Man.

The other day I was diagnosed with anxiety and constipation

Now I'm worried shitless.

The other day I found out my toaster wasn't water proof.

I was shocked!

What do you call a F1 team's CEO who makes too much mistakes?

a Toto Wolff.

You got hit by a rental car?

Yeah, it Hertz.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

Pilgrims!

Why do Sith Lords’ phones have good batteries?

They have unlimited power

Why don't aliens come visit us?

Because we only have one star.

My friend asked if I wanted to visit Xinjiang

I said I wasn't too Uyghur to do it

I wrote a poem about the bottom of the ocean

It’s pretty deep.

What is Prague‘s favorite payment method?

Checks

I just read through 6 pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

Even though it’s a lucrative profession, don’t force your child to become a chopper pilot.

You don’t wanna be a helicopter parent.

I made an appointment with a therapist for depression but she turned out to be a physicist.

She wanted to talk about gravity the whole time but I told her I just couldn't - it always brings me down.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him...🕷️

....Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer. 🕸️

My son asked if trees poop?

I said “of course, how do you think we get number two pencils?”

Mortal Kombat was based on a Norwegian religious song.

A Finnish hymn.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people

But none of them work

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

I've just been fired from my job as a manager of a laundromat

I feel like I've been hung up to dry.

I've been thinking about getting back with my ex-wife

But I'm worried she might think that I'm just after my money

What does the doctor say when playing hide and seek?

ICU

What's the female equivalent of tea bagging?

A flappuccino.

The Beach Boys walk into a bar.

"Round?" "Round....." "Get a round?" "I'll get a round...."

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Did you hear about the person who invented Tic Tacs?

They made a mint.

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes

Then I learned it was the fridge all along

James Bond digging a hole

Shovel07

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because seven was a known six offender.

A tree spirit is stalking me

I told her to leaf me alone.

The other day I made a website for an orphanage

But then the kids really had a hard time finding the homepage.

I'd like to thank the big man upstairs.

He's my neighbor, I live in an apartment. He's heavyset, real great guy though he helped me when I moved in.

I have a horse. His name is Mayo.

Sometimes Mayo neighs

Lessons from my mother

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 9. My mother taught me about STAMINA "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 10. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.." 13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 14. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when you get home!" 17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes they’re going to get stuck that way." 18. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 19. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 21. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 23. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!"