100 Funny Dad Jokes For Family Party And Small gatherings!

My left knee has never committed a crime.

I can’t say the same for his felony.

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

How do you get a farm girl to marry you?

First, a tractor.

Who was the Greek god of cleavage?

Paratitties

The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He is just a product of our times.

My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”

He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did

Daughter: "Quarantine." Me: . . . Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

A priest, an imam and a rabbit walk into a bloodbank.

The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

AITA for eating my coworker's subway?

Oops, wrong sub!

I was gonna tell a time traveling joke.

But you guys didn't like it.

Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop. Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who *or what* could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests. As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer. They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened. Or, perhaps, met a fatal end? They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl. "oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo". They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry. But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded. The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back. And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls! Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound? **"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"** In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and disease! Brutish, incorrect lengths had been forced together, buckling the wood and bulging the steel at points, as if death, itself, were attempting to escape. It was festooned with beast-like emblems and decrepid artifacts: skulls, antlers, skins, totems, and drenched in the color of blood! It was TRUE! The house really *was* haunted! **"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUO"** Now the boys realized with sheer horror that the insane moaning was definitely coming from the coffin! Before the boys could turn and run, the coffin began to shake! They froze. Then it suddenly LIFTED off the ground! They gaped in terror! Shaking violently and rising, the coffin started to turn. It turned and turned, and gained speed. It was spinning in the air before them! A mix of terror and fascination gripped them. Unable to look away. Unable to run. It spun faster and faster AND FASTER! **"OOOoooOOOoOOooOoOouuUUUUUuuuuUOOuouOUOOOOOOOoo"** The first boy with the knife slashed in the air in front of him, as if to stab away at the evil! Then he dropped the knife and ran back up the stairs, never to be seen again. The second boy with the gun fired warning shots at the ceiling BANG! BANG!, but then thought better of it, dropped his gun and also ran up the stairs, and also was never to be seen again. The third boy stood there calmly, reached into his pocket and popped a cough drop into his mouth. He sucked on it for a bit. And the coffin stopped. **Wow, thanks for all the love, fellow Dads!

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

I think i have a fetish for the last paragraph in an essay

I just came to that conclusion

My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won't admit she framed me.

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink.

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender. “Just call me Hoff”, he replied. “Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.

My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much

Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit.

Customer: Do you have any copies of that book for men with small penises?

Book Store Employee: I don’t know if it’s in yet. Customer: Yes! That’s the one!

Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend

Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight. — My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪

Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?

Because it'll be sadder day.

I have been reading some history on the French revolution and found out what happened to Louis XVI's head

[removed]

My 9 year old wanted me to post her joke here!

What does it mean when you find horseshoes? It means a horse is walking round in its socks! I am so proud of her! Edit: wording.

my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

My wife said, “Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?”

I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”

I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

what do you call a communist sniper

a marxman

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

But it was his own dumb asphalt...

I don’t usually tell dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?

Thank you for your cervix.

So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. You know why?

Inflation

My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy

It's not like I did something

Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes...

You need to let that mango.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop.......and nobody came

Why is Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditions it.

The deaf girl didn’t show up to her court case yesterday

She lost her hearing.

In 2017 I didn't jog. In 2018 I didn't jog. In 2019 I didn't jog. In 2020 I still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?

Ass skin for a friend.

The mountains aren't just funny, they're

Hill areas

My wife asked me, “Are you sometimes surprised as to how little people change?”

I said, “Actually, the process is the same. Apart from their tiny clothes.”

We have a strict hierarchy policy for PPE usage at my office...

Regular workers must wear small face shields, while Managers get to use the super-visors.

How does two German car enthusiast cowboys greet each other?

Audi, partner 🤠

What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce

Chicken sees a salad

Some woman came up to me today and said she knew me from a vegan group

Which was really weird because I’ve never met herbivore

What’s better than a Dad bod?

A father figure.

I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.

I’m a faux pa. Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected. I feel like a father figure now.

What is the difference between an old bus station and a crab with a boob job?

Ones a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean

TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

Justice is a dish best served cold

Because if it were served warm it would be justwater

My son asked me for something hard to write on

I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

.... It was a shitzu. EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

Why was my post removed?

Can someone tell me why my post was removed? I'm a bit annoyed about this as it caused my fence to fall over

I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.

The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony Stark’s parents?

One Buck.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."

“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon

Me why?

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars...

... And came home to us a seasoned Veteran. Edit : To use a war pun.. " Wow, this really blew up " ...Thanks to all for contributing to this bit of fun. I feel like Granddad now with all the medals.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back four seconds.

I've decided to marry a pencil.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

It's my 1-year Reddit anniversary

Getting karma should be easy as cake Edit: It’s a giant cake day celebration! Happy cake day everyone!!

My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”

I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?

For hispanic attacks

I became a father today, but no dad jokes are coming to me. I’m pretty bummed.

Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!

So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to “square up on the ball”

She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!” She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me. Proud dad moment.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add Spring Water.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...

She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"

My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?" - Me: "I Excel at it." - Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word".

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to build a community swimming pool.

So, I handed him a glass of water.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?

You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!

My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.

He is my cousin, twice [removed]

I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory

I’ll beheading there shortly Edit: Thanks for the silver. My first ever award!

My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"

Such a random way to start a conversation.

To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.

Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.

I decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m not big enough or strong enough

I’ve just handed in my Too weak notice.

I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.

But it can't be that hard.

I have finally made it

I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.

I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...

straightaway I knew he was a keeper

I bought my friend an Elephant for her room...

She said "thanks". I said "don't mention it"

My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.

He really gets a kick out of it.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up.

I always see Himalayan there.

What color is the wind??

Blew!

I bought a new pair of gloves today...

...but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.

Why was 69 afraid of 70?

Because they had a fight and 71.

What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

My friend claims that he can print a gun using his 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.

I have had a Canon printer for years.

So proud of my daughter for this one... "Why do fishes swim in salt water?"

Because pepper would make them sneeze! She's six. She's awesome. EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.

My wife just threw away my favourite herb.

She's such a Thyme waster

Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds.

I’m proud to say I managed to hit one of the little shits!

My 3 year old's first joke

What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes

My wife left me cause Im too insecure

Never mind she was just at the grocery store

I’m reading a horror book in Braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."

"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

How much do dumplings weigh?

Wonton

Which 5 letter body part is long and flexible and contains the letters P, E, N, I and S?

Spine

I'll tell you what I know about dwarfs

Very little

Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...

It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...

A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately

It means a lot to him

FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail...

...it's about fucking time.

I used to get heartburn whenever I ate birthday cake...

... until the doctor told me to take the candles off first! Happy cake day to meeeeee!

Sorry this isn’t really a joke but I wanted to say thanks

I just wanted to thank everyone here. My mom has been in the hospital with the virus and being able to send her jokes from here has made her laugh (we both really like puns!) so I just wanted to thank y’all for the fun jokes you post. I know it doesn’t seem like much but it has been very nice to be able to share them with her! Edit: thank you so much for the awards and well wishes! I 100% did not expect this to blow up like it did and I’m so glad for y’all’s support!!

How come the Hulk doesn’t lose his pants when he transforms?

The scientific experiments altered his jeans

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

My very first dad joke as an actual dad.

*On the day my daughter was born* Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

I have to tell someone about this because I'm at home alone with my 2 year old and 11 month old, and they're to young to understand my best dad joke ever.

My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX! Edit: Thanks for my first gold!

My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around, eventually.

What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?

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