100 Funny Dad Jokes For Family Party And Small gatherings!

I always keep a full glass of water, and an empty one, on my nightstand...

Just in case I wake up not feeling thirsty.

A trip to the hardware store

Charlie was installing a new door and he found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to the hardware store and pick one up. He wrote down what was required. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the attendant to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap. When he was finished, Mary asked him, “How much is that bath tap?” He replied, “That’s a gold plated bath tap Madam and the price is $5,000” Mary exclaimed, “My goodness, that is very expensive and it’s certainly out of my price range” She handed the attendant the description of the hinge Charlie had sent her to buy. Yes, said the attendant, they had them in stock and he went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom he yelled, “Madam, do you wanna screw for the hinge?” Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but I will for the bath tap.”

I saw a hive with no exit today.

It was un-bee-leavable.

Two flies on a window ledge.

Two flies on a window ledge n one says… “…Don’t look now, but your man is open…”

Why should one always be nice to their dentist?

Because...they have fillings too.

Did you hear about the kidnapping on the street

It's fine, he woke up

What did the drummer call his kids?

Anna 1, Anna 2

What do you call a fly without wings?

A walk

Two prisoners were handcuffed to each other for their entire sentence.

They were con-fused.

Someone asked me if I wanted to see all of the ways it's possible to sleep in.

He showed me the rest.

My wife kept dumping flour into her lobster soup recipe and cried about the lumps and thick consistency

I said No whisk it, no bisque yet, baby.

An Apprentice Baker bakes his first batch of bread

"How did the bread turn out?" the Chef Baker asks. Apprentice: "It's all rye"

I went to the store to buy some camouflage pants.

I couldn't see any.

Which jug is always exhausted?

The Flagon

I had $20 after buying my new gun. The Holster was going to cost $40

So I bought a halfster.

What do you call a chaperone at a barn dance?

A hootenanny!

Why do you never want to ask a cow for directions?

Because they only know one way or an udder.

My GF just told me that she was born by cesarean section.

I always wondered why she exited my car through the sunroof.

What kind of art shares wisdom?

Savant Garde

How do churches help the poor?

They share their prophets.

NASA is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.

They are calling it Apollo G.

Why do French bakers only use one egg in their goods?

Because in France one egg is an œuf

Why doesn’t the putt-putt course at the bean factory in Cancun charge money to play?

Because they’re fri joles.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar. . .

He came, he saw, he conquered

Did you hear about the gymnasts that got into a fight in July?

It was a summer-assault.

I’m terrified of Icelandic yogurt. In fact…

You could say I’m *skyr*ed!

I generally did really good at math in college.

Just one test I was cocky, and went out before hand for drinks with friends. Had one too many drinks, and wasn’t really sober for the test. It was easily the worst calculus test I ever took. Almost flunked the class because of it. But I learned my lesson. I will never drink and derive again.

If “AI” is short for Artificial Intelligence, whats short for Canadian Intelligence?

Eh, I

James Bond’s boss lost all of her teeth.

She needed some Judi Denchers afterwards.

Why are there are no penguins in Great-Britain?

Because they're afraid of whales.

I was making a stir fry and splashed soy sauce on my socks...

Oh no my soy socks!

Why do you need to have twins to name one of them Will?

Because where there is a Will, there is a Way.

Siri kept calling me Shirley all day yesterday and I was getting very annoyed.

I finally realized, I left my phone in Airplane mode.

Fries, Kiss, Toast, Onion Soup. Sorry…

Pardon my French

I'm currently writing a book about drinking beer

I'm on my 4th draft.

Newsflash - A cheese factory blew up in France

There was de-brie everywhere

How is blood pumped through the bodies of egotistical geniuses?

Smarteries and vains

A man was recently beaten to death by a porcelain cow in the rice fields of tibet.

This is the first known case of a knick knack paddy wack. The man's dog, who was very upset, was given a bone to calm him down. However, the people were too distracted to notice that the man's body began to topple down the hill towards his house. He rolled all the way back to the porch of his retirement home.

Guys i need help

I just found out my friend tony hauls bull semen in Pennsylvania Close to intercouse blue ball. Lititiz All local town names. Need a dad joke

Your dad doesn't have a sense of humour either.

He lacks a gag reflex.

What's 2/5 human and 1/2 goat?

Hugo

If two vegans are actively quarreling...

is it still called "beef"?

What are lesbians favorite flowers

Tulips

From the creators of “Timbuk one”…

Comes the riveting sequel “Timbuktu!”

What did the fireman say to his drinking buddies when he chose to ignore the giant fire in their neighborhood?

Bros before hose.

My patience is basically like a gift card.

Not sure how much is left on it, but we can give it a try.

For all the dads out there who refuse to wear a seatbelt, I have one question for you.

What’s holding you back?

Why is the life on Earth so depressing?

Because gravity always brings you down

Why are economists bad at relationships?

Too many assumptions.

What do you call a cook that litigates from the kitchen?

A Sue Chef

Did you know you cant use "beef stew" as a computer password?

It's not stroganoff.

In the summer my wife likes it when I blow cool air on her. But, if I am being completely honest...

I am not a fan.

Amber Heard has given birth to twins.

In breaking news she has admitted that Charlie Sheen is the kids father. Miss Heard said the children will be raised by their father and will take his name. She agreed that the children should be Sheen and not Heard.

Did you know John Cena’s brother is a chain smoker?

His first name is Empha.

Training a parrot

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot, recited the alphabet and read stories to it. The American showered the parrot with the finest food and brought him all the females that could he mate with. The Brit locked the parrot in a dark room, barely gave him any food or water and beat the shit out of him every single day. When the time was up the billionaire returned to find the parrot still unable to speak, so he asked the 3 trainers about their progress. The Canadian said “I have tried everything. I spent all my time showing him documentaries, teaching him the alphabet and reading books to him. Nothing worked.” The American said, “I spoiled him beyond belief, gave him the most luxurious meals he could possibly eat, brought him female companionship and yet he won't speak.” The Brit said: "I have showered him with love and luxury as well, tried to teach him words day and night, spent all my time and energy spoiling him with everything I had – yet nothing!“ The parrot looked at the Brit with disbelief and screeched, “You lying SOB!".

I knew it would take a while to wait for my haircut, so I brought hamburgers.

You know, for the barber queue.

Why was the sysadmin banned from karaoke?

After tunelessly "singing" Danger Zone, I'm Alright, Playing With the Boys, and Footloose, he got banned for too many failed Loggins.

What’s the smartest cheese?

Cheese Whiz

A cucumber is watching his wife get f*cked.

He's clearly a cuckumber.

What kind of bone always has your back?

A vertibro.

Durring tax season, I try to make Rough calculations

The problem is when they get rough back

How did they get the confession out of the hamburger patty?

They grilled him.

My dad invested in a company that makes counterfeit NBA-branded door hardware…

Their top seller is knock-off Knicks knockers.

What is the preferred fabric pattern of rooftop statues?

Gargyle!

What do you call an ad for fireworks?

A spark plug!

What do you call a fake colour?

A pigment of your imagination.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match.

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

A Poem with a Dad Joke Spirit

"Don't ever grow old," the centenarian said As he stood (and popped both of his knees); His intent may be pure, but I'm pretty sure That the cure is worse than the disease.

What do you call a Nation full of drunkards?

Hallucination.

What’s the best way to catch an elephant.

Dig a deep hole and fill it with ashes. Put bananas around the edge to lure the elephant, then hide. When the elephant comes to eat the bananas, you sneak up behind it and kick it in the ashhole.

Did you hear about Mike Tyson auditioned to be in a Marvel movie?

After they rehearsed a few fight scenes he got banged up and kept saying "I'm Thor"

Body language : how can you tell when a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

I feel like those high end grocery stores really cheat you when it comes to their prices.

It's Traitor Joe's.

Did you hear about the duck negotiating with the plastic surgeon?

He wanted his bill reduced!!

I saw a guy beating up on some popcorn the other day.

He was arrested and charged with A Salt and Buttery.

I had a brain scan done a few weeks ago, and I just got the results.

Apparently there's nothing left on the right side and nothing right on the left side.

Don't date tennis players

Love means nothing to them.

Reddit’s r/Jokes has 30 million members—

and I still got less attention than a dad joke at a funeral.

Married people are in a constant state of LOSING their ability to HEAR each other.

That’s why they say: “Til *Deaf* Do You Part.”

Haikus are rubbish

They're mediocre poems. **They just waste our time.**

I worry the government does not help the directionally-challenged enough

It's not their fault they can't tell their lefts from their rights.

How do you say 'enjoy your meal!' in England?

You don't! ... It would be too cynical.

What is the paradox of sparkling water?

Sparkling water is still water.

Mr and Mrs Q have a daughter...

What do they call her? >!Barbara!< (Click on the rectangle)

Montezuma

Why were Montezuma's doctors unable to cure his hemorrhoids? Primitive ass-tech.

There’s a thief at large who specialises in stealing spices

Preliminary investigations reveals the suspect is a seasoned criminal

I was in a blackout. Here’s what went down:

The power grid

I heard the Fonz was set make a geust appearance on Sesame Street!

On the day it was sponsored by the letter A (Ehh!).

What did the farmer say when he realized someone stole from his garden?

"I dropped my gourd..."

What did the girl say to the loaf of bread she was dating when she was breaking up with him?

You deserve butter.

The road was pretty sticky today.

There was a traffic jam.

How do you make a water gun more powerful?

Put alcohol in it. Then you have a shot gun! (Made up by my son and told to me just now.)

Today my son asked if I was feeling "Call of Duty".

My dad instinct kicked in and I replied, "I don't have to poop yet.

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe.

If you remove it, you’re left with gravy.

What did bro order at the Mexican joint?

Carne “Asuh Duh 🤙”

Why did the guy get fired from the rock quarry?

Because he took his job for granite.

I really hate when people use the wrong word in a sentence.

It really incinerates me.

Son: "Dad, today I watched someone do 50 pushups, do you think could you do that?"

Dad: "of course son, don't want to brag but I could probably watch someone do 100 push-ups"

Be prepared in case your sewer is clogged.

Make sure you have a backup plan.

I don't know what my parents did to relieve boredom before the Internet was invented.

My 12 brothers and sisters were also curious but they didn't know either.

Why did the zombie go to the toilet?

Because he had die-arrhea

A weasel walks into bar

The bartender says "Hey, feller, what can I get ya?" "Pop" goes the weasel

Why did the sun cross the road?

Don't worry, the answer will dawn on you

Someone stole all the toilets from the sheriff's office.

They have nothing to go on.

I'd tell you a joke about airplanes,

But it would probably go over your head.

The tattooed trendy zoomer removed all of their facial piercings…

Now even magnets find them unattractive.

Why did the Giant cross the road?

He was trying to finish his Tic-tac-toe match.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place..."

I asked "Are you single?" She replied "No, I'm a dentist."

Did you hear about the man with five penises?

His pants fit him like a glove.

A genie once granted me one wish. I said I want to be happy.

So now I’m 3 feet tall, living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and some girl in a gown and spending every day working in a mine singing “Whistle While You Work”

Marriage is like a workshop

I work and my wife shops

My statistics professor called me an average student

I thought that was a bit mean !

I'm on a plane that's making a crash landing, and the guy next to me has the most morbid sense of humor.

He said "see you next fall."

Please give me the worst possible advice to do the splits

Like if I told this to gymnasts in a bar, there's no way I'm walking out of there Thanks in advance!

What do you call a person who quit twitter

A Qwitter

How does the rock pee

He Dwayne's his johnson

Where did they have to station the soldier who was proud of his flatulence?

Fart Bragg

Why’s there no Arsenal supporting Ryanair pilots?

Because they don’t know where Europe is.

If at first you don't succeed...

then skydiving is not the sport for you.

What's it called when the Pope's chef ruins a meal?

Oregano Sin