There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes a nap on his day off. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted. About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical. They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off. The dentist wakes to a knock on the door. Suspecting a solicitor, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak. The grim reaper swears. "Oh no! This always happens with identical twins". "What do you mean?" asks the dentist. "Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended. I'll take my leave now." The dentist is noticeably upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly there must be a way I can bargain for his life." The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?" The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free." The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?" The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. 5 minutes of brushing each, then we decide." "Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and brushes. After 5 minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright. The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But, you are entitled to your chance." The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his 5 minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He smiles. It's unbelievable. The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth. The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke. At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, he seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died." The dentist smiles on the phone and says. "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."
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Fast 10: Your Seatbelts
Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
I saw a pretty girl. Finally I plucked up the courage, and asked for her number. She said "got a pen?" I said yes. She said "well get back in it you fat fucking pig".
It was having a mid life crisis
I did that and I feel much better, but I'm wondering, do I keep the letters?
They do it in schools, because they have class. *transcribed from a [deleted Jokes post](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/45ekt9/white_people_dont_shoot_each_other_in_the_streets/?sort=new), because I can't find the original content*
Apparently going onto the "Kids vs cancer" page and saying "My money's on cancer every time" is frowned upon.
She just didn't have enough time to get out of the closet.
So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death. I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.
I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
I don't hit vapes
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
...she'd be spinning in her ditch.
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practice and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it is a Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynard Skynard and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking towelhead."
By putting flowers on the grave
It's easy when I have a knife.
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
Concentration problems
turns out Hollywood wants to be in me as a kid too
When I get older I'm going to name my son stupid, so when people ask me "Are you fucking stupid?" I can say "yes."
Wrecking a 19 year old pussy.
Little Seizures
two nukes weren't enough Edit: got banned from r/history for using this joke over there Edit 2: thanks for the support guys, they can grow three arms but they cant take a joke?
You can put a silencer on a gun.
Shooting started today at around 4PM on Westminster Bridge
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