Being born

I tell my kids "You know who's putting all these wind turbines, right? Mercedes". Gets both the groan and eye roll from the missus

Lost my job at the bank. Girlfriend is gonna be pissed. I don't know how to tell her.

You marry her

A little boy with a wooden eye went to his first school dance. All of children were dancing except for him and a girl with a hairlip. He decided to go ask her if she would like to dance and she replied, “Would I! Would I!” He started to cry and shouted back at her, “ Hairlip! Hairlip!” And ran off.

If you lose your Khakis in Boston, it means you can't start you car.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

I’m assuming they sell Velcro wallets?

One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!"

I woke up every hour and cried.

A carpainter