Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist ... he insulted me this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tyre. When I finally got to the pharmacy there was a group of people waiting for me to open up. I opened the shop and served these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it; half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, I told her!”

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly." Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then finally the fly. He thought to himself, "If the fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it and I could catch that fish!". Little did the bear know a hunter was lurking in the shadows and had his sights set on the bear. He saw the bear watching the fish and the fish watching the fly and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly over there came down 6 inches the fish would jump to eat the fly, that bear will try to catch that fish and I’ll be able to shoot me a bear!" While the hunter kept his sights locked onto the bear, waiting for his moment, a delicious cheese sandwich sat unattended in the lunchbox he foolishly left open and a mouse discovered it. The mouse glanced at the hunter to look for an opening and saw him setting his sights on the bear. He then looked at the fish the bear was staring at and noticed the fly buzzing above the fish. He thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, and the hunter would go after the bear! Then I could have this delicious sandwich.” The mouse, fascinated by suchba gourmet meal, had not noticed the cat hiding above him in a tree. The cat crouched down, ready to pounce, watching the mouse watching the hunter watching the bear watching the fish watching the fly and thought to himself, "Man! If that fly came down 6 inches, that fish would jump up to eat it, the bear would catch the fish, the hunter would go for the bear, the mouse would try and steal the sandwich, and I can catch me a mouse!" Well, a few minutes passed, and the fly lowered 6 inches. The fish immediately jumped out of the water and caught the fly. The bear lunged out from behind the bush and tried to grab the fish. BAM! The hunter shot the bear and ran in to confirm his kill. The mouse made a mad dash for the sandwich. The cat crouched down and leapt for the mouse, missing by an inch, and landed face first into the lake.  Moral of the story: When a fly comes down 6 inches a pussy gets wet.

I wasn't allowed to say her name during sex because it reminded her of my girlfriend.

While on vacation in Israel, an American wife asks her husband, "If, I die here and it costs $30,000 to fly me home and bury me, or $2,000 dollars to bury me here, what would you do?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I'd fly you home and bury you there." "Why would you spend the extra money," she gasps. "Well, because the only person I know that died in Israel, rose again 3 days later." >!Happy Good Friday & Easter yall!!<

but never has 5 letters.

They both go around Uranus and chase Klingons

Cowhide

And then they went on the endangered species list.

She heads over to the guy at the register and says, "D...d....dddddoo you sell any d...ddd...dildos?" He says, "Uh, yes ma'am we do." She replies, "D.dd..dd.do you have any dd.ddd.ddd..dd dildos that are p...ppp....pp..pink and t..t..tte. ten inches long?" "Uh, yes ma'am we do." "Well h...hhhh.how in the ffff...f.fff..fuck do you t.tttt.turn it off?"

When I got inside, it turned out to be a TOILET.

I told her that she definitely had

In fact, I can't be bothered to go at all!

I just tell everyone I have a pet Rock

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I looked in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Now they're experimenting with busses, trains and airplanes to run on thyme!

Cross.

Bezos faceplant.

The interviewer said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." I replied, "I don't give a fuck what you think!"

He’s *Rizz-en*!

Hypothermia.

She's drop dead gorgeous, has great style and I just cut a deadly silent one.

The new company is called “Hoppy Endings”

Has Dave come out yet?

It's not hard.

A JIZZillion!

A transformer

…and the clerk said, “No, it’s mostly just the regular porn stars..”

An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the proud owner of aisle 5.

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father only has six inches."