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avatar 4 year.ago‌‌The b‌‌oss o‌‌f a‌‌ m‌‌ining c‌‌ompany i‌‌s t‌‌rying t‌‌o d‌‌ecide w‌‌hich o‌‌f h‌‌is 3‌‌ s‌‌ons t‌‌o p‌‌romote s‌‌o h‌‌e g‌‌ives t‌‌hem a‌‌ t‌‌est.

‌‌He s‌‌its t‌‌hem a‌‌ll d‌‌own a‌‌nd t‌‌ells t‌‌hem: "‌‌There i‌‌s b‌‌ound t‌‌o c‌‌ome a‌‌ t‌‌ime i‌‌n t‌‌his c‌‌ompany w‌‌hen y‌‌ou w‌‌ill h‌‌it a‌‌ s‌‌udden e‌‌conomic c‌‌risis. W‌‌hen t‌‌hese t‌‌imes c‌‌ome y‌‌ou m‌‌ust k‌‌now h‌‌ow t‌‌o c‌‌ut d‌‌own o‌‌n e‌‌xpenses a‌‌nd d‌‌o t‌‌he b‌‌est y‌‌ou c‌‌an w‌‌ith w‌‌hat b‌‌udget y‌‌ou h‌‌ave." Then h‌‌e p‌‌roceeds t‌‌o g‌‌ive t‌‌hem e‌‌ach 1‌‌000 d‌‌ollars, a‌‌nd t‌‌ells t‌‌hem t‌‌hat h‌‌e w‌‌ill c‌‌ome b‌‌ack t‌‌o t‌‌he m‌‌ine i‌‌n a‌‌ w‌‌eek, a‌‌nd s‌‌ee w‌‌hich o‌‌f t‌‌hem h‌‌ave b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o m‌‌ove t‌‌he m‌‌ost o‌‌re w‌‌ith t‌‌he m‌‌oney t‌‌hey w‌‌ere g‌‌iven. He r‌‌eturns a‌‌fter o‌‌ne w‌‌eek t‌‌o c‌‌heck u‌‌p o‌‌n t‌‌hem, a‌‌nd a‌‌pproaches h‌‌is o‌‌ldest s‌‌on. "How m‌‌uch d‌‌igging h‌‌ave y‌‌ou b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o?", h‌‌e a‌‌sks. "3 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re, f‌‌ather. I‌‌ u‌‌sed 3‌‌00 d‌‌ollars t‌‌o b‌‌uy a‌‌ b‌‌roken d‌‌igger, I‌‌ t‌‌hen u‌‌sed m‌‌y b‌‌usiness c‌‌ontacts t‌‌o f‌‌ind a‌‌ m‌‌echanic w‌‌illing t‌‌o f‌‌ix i‌‌t f‌‌or j‌‌ust 2‌‌00 d‌‌ollars i‌‌f I‌‌ g‌‌ave h‌‌is 5‌‌ k‌‌ids a‌‌ j‌‌ob. T‌‌he y‌‌outh i‌‌s s‌‌o d‌‌esperate f‌‌or a‌‌ j‌‌ob t‌‌his d‌‌ay, t‌‌hey w‌‌ill d‌‌o 1‌‌2 h‌‌our s‌‌hifts e‌‌ven f‌‌or a‌‌n i‌‌nternship, a‌‌nd I‌‌ o‌‌nly h‌‌ad t‌‌o p‌‌ay t‌‌hem 1‌‌00 d‌‌ollars e‌‌ach f‌‌or a‌‌ w‌‌eek o‌‌f w‌‌ork" The f‌‌ather p‌‌ats h‌‌is s‌‌on p‌‌roudly o‌‌n t‌‌he s‌‌houlder b‌‌efore m‌‌oving o‌‌n t‌‌o h‌‌is m‌‌iddle c‌‌hild, a‌‌sking h‌‌im h‌‌ow m‌‌uch m‌‌ining h‌‌e h‌‌ad b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o a‌‌s w‌‌ell. "10 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re, f‌‌ather. I‌‌ u‌‌sed 1‌‌00 d‌‌ollars t‌‌o r‌‌un a‌‌ l‌‌ocal a‌‌d i‌‌n t‌‌he n‌‌ewspaper a‌‌sking f‌‌or w‌‌orkers, t‌‌hen t‌‌ook i‌‌n 7‌‌5 u‌‌ndocumented i‌‌mmigrants w‌‌ho a‌‌ll b‌‌rought t‌‌heir o‌‌wn t‌‌ools a‌‌nd s‌‌hovels. T‌‌hey're a‌‌ll s‌‌o a‌‌fraid o‌‌f b‌‌eing t‌‌aken b‌‌y i‌‌mmigration t‌‌hat t‌‌hey're w‌‌illing t‌‌o w‌‌ork f‌‌or h‌‌alf m‌‌inimum w‌‌age." The f‌‌ather l‌‌ooks s‌‌keptically a‌‌t h‌‌is s‌‌on f‌‌or a‌‌ w‌‌hile, b‌‌ut n‌‌otices t‌‌he m‌‌assive p‌‌iles o‌‌f o‌‌re t‌‌he w‌‌orkers a‌‌re c‌‌arrying o‌‌ut, a‌‌nd g‌‌ives h‌‌im a‌‌ n‌‌od b‌‌efore c‌‌arrying o‌‌n t‌‌o h‌‌is y‌‌oungest s‌‌on. "How m‌‌uch m‌‌ining h‌‌ave y‌‌ou b‌‌een a‌‌ble t‌‌o d‌‌o?", a‌‌sks t‌‌he f‌‌ather. "35 t‌‌ons, d‌‌ad, b‌‌ut I‌‌ d‌‌idn't u‌‌se a‌‌ny o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌udget." The f‌‌ather l‌‌ooks a‌‌t h‌‌im i‌‌n a‌‌we, h‌‌is j‌‌aw d‌‌ropping, "‌‌how w‌‌ere y‌‌ou a‌‌ble t‌‌o m‌‌ove 3‌‌5 t‌‌ons o‌‌f o‌‌re f‌‌or f‌‌ree!?" "I i‌‌nvited a‌‌ b‌‌unch o‌‌f c‌‌onspiracy t‌‌heorists. T‌‌hey j‌‌ust k‌‌eep d‌‌igging d‌‌eeper a‌‌nd d‌‌eeper t‌‌hinking t‌‌hey're g‌‌oing t‌‌o f‌‌ind s‌‌omething, a‌‌nd e‌‌very t‌‌ime I‌‌ t‌‌ell t‌‌hem t‌‌o t‌‌ake a‌‌ b‌‌reak t‌‌hey a‌‌ccuse m‌‌e o‌‌f t‌‌rying t‌‌o w‌‌ithhold t‌‌he t‌‌ruth f‌‌rom t‌‌hem!"

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Looking for a natural mood booster? Science agrees: laughter truly is medicine for the soul! Whether you need a quick pick-me-up, an icebreaker for awkward moments, or just want to spread joy, corny jokes are your secret weapon.

In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!

funny dad jokes

funny dad jokes
1. If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a racist

I'd have so much money that I'd probably get mugged by a black guy.

2. My biology teacher asked me "what's commonly found in cells?"

Apparently niggers wasn't the right answer.

3. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog because he shuts up after you let him in.

4. There's a new drug for lesbians on the market to cure depression...

It's called Trycoxagain.

5. Why Do Disabled Kids Always Get Bullied?

Cause They Can’t Stand Up For Themselves.

6. Some black guy came up to me

Some black guy came up to me and said, "Nice shirt faggot, did your mommy pick it for you?" I replied, "No actually, your grandparents did."

7. Fat girl goes to the doctor and asks advice on how to lose weight, doctor says you need to shake your head, girl says how often do I have to do that? Doctor replies:

Every time someone offers you food you fat Cunt...

8. What do black guys have that’s double the size of most white men and gets bigger every time they touch a white woman?

Their criminal record.

9. What gets easier to pick up as it gets heavier?

Women

10. My brothers girlfriend just got cancer.

And he did something really romantic and proposed to her on the spot to make her feel better. So you see that ladies, us men can be romantic and spontaneous, it's that we just don't like long term commitments.

11. Stutter

A man walks into a bar and begins to order a beer, "O-O-One b-beer p-please." The bartender responds, "Hey man, I used to have the same stuttering problem. Then I went home, asked my wife to give me some head, and the next day I was cured." After hearing this the man rushed off before even getting his beer. The next day, the man returns and again orders a beer, "O-One b-b-b-beer p-please". The bartender asks, "didn't work huh?". The man replies, "No, b-b-b-but you have a l-l-lovely house!"

12. How to get a school shooting to happen in an all black school?

Call the cops

13. I was blessed with a 9 inch penis...

That priest is in jail now. __________

14. How are children like cell phones?

If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

15. A young girl comes home one day...

...and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room. "Daddy," she says, "a strange man did something bad to me at the park today." The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. "Oh, god... okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn't your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?" "Well," the girl begins, "I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree." "Oh, god," mutters the father. "Then what?" "Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing." "Oh, god!" the father exclaims. "What happened next?" "Then," the girl continues, "he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear." "Oh, god!" shouts the father. "Sweetie, what happened after that?" The girl answers with a shrug. "Nothing. That was it." "Well, make something up! I haven't finished yet!"

16. TIL that 25% of American women are receiving medication for mental illness. 25%! That's horrifying!

It means 75% of them are running around untreated!

17. What do pizzas and parents have in common?

If they are black, you've got nothing to eat.

18. I don't know what she's talking about most of the time

I woke up this morning and saw my wife sitting on the edge of the bed with two black eyes. "What the fuck happened to you?" I asked. "This is what happens when you drink 9 pints of lager," she replied. "That's bullshit," I said, looking in the mirror, "I drank 9 pints of lager last night and my face is fine."

19. Daily dose of dark jokes

A little girl goes into the shower with her mom. She looks up at her mothers' breasts and says "Mommy, when will I get those?" Her mother says "when you're older". A few days later she goes into the shower with her dad. She looks up at his penis and says "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" Her father says "when your mother leaves for work".

20. After work, I volunteer to help blind children.

By the way, verb not adjective

21. What's the difference between a Boko Haram training camp and a Nigerian refugee camp?

I don't know, I just fly the fighter jet.

22. Describe your sex life by using a quote from the TV show "Spongebob Squarepants".

I'll begin: "ARE YOU READY, KIDS?"

23. 9/10 people thinks group rape is awesome.

24. I got in trouble the other day for making fun of a couple of hipsters...

Apparently, the politically correct term is "conjoined twins"...

25. Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A: Gagged

26. Women are like parking spots. Every now and then all the good ones are taken and you have to slip into the disabled ones.

27. What do you do when an ex calls you and says she's HIV positive?

The trick is to always act surprised. Source: Frankie Boyle

28. How many wrinkles does a cunt have?

Smile. I’ll count them.

29. I was chatting to this Muslim in our street...

...I said, "your wife wears a burqa, your 3 daughters all wear burqas, doesn't it get a bit confusing around the house?" He said "yes of course, last week I went upstairs in the night and accidentally had sex with my wife!" __________ Subscribe to r/sickipedia if you liked this joke

30. If I had a dollar for ever gender...

I'd have $1.74

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