What do you get when you cross a black person with water

She’s my japaniece

It's not because Seven ate Nine, like most people believe. They once went camping, and Seven One-ted, Two bring Three knifes Four sur-Five-al, but Six knew that Seven secretle h-Eight-ed him and did not have be-Nine in-Ten-tions

"I'm leafing you!"

I woke up seeing her floating over me. And at first I was afraid, I was petrified...

Now she just paws all my legal documents without reading them.

Thrice.

I tell my wife, "Honey, I'm a 'lil down right now. I look at the mirror and all I see is a fat, ugly old man. And I need you to give me a compliment." She says "Alright then, at least your eyesight is damn near perfect!"

I think the mercury is affecting my spelling

He say to his flatmate: "Hey did you just hear the news?" FM: "No, what's happened?" Him: "That actress that you like got stabbed!!" FM: "Oh, thanks that really narrows it down, I like a lot of actresses. What is her name?!" "Him: I can't remember now..... Oh it was Ree, Rise, Rice, HAH I remember now it's Reese... something" FM: "Witherspoon??" Him: "Nah, with a knife, you dick" (No Reese Witherspoons where harmed in retelling this (old) joke)

He asked him: "Daddy, what is sex?" His father was surprised that he would ask such a question, but decided that if he is old enough to ask, then he is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell him all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, his young son looked at him with his mouth hanging open. "Why did you ask this question?" His father asked him. The boy replied, "Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."