Joker King - find funny jokes from here.
Joker King - find funny jokes from here.
PenguinOntheRoad 7 year.agoThere was this tramp.One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake. Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it then began looking for a car to flag down. Coincidentally the father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man." "Ah, well..." stammers the tramp, "... uh, I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out." "Oh dear," says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten pounds - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe." "No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten pounds is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that'll be plenty." "Ten pounds," thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!" and off he goes to the town to buy himself a holiday. He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!" "Ahem, which holiday would sir like?" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile. "Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten pounds," replies the tramp. "TEN POUNDS! You'll NEVER get a holiday for ten pounds," says the girl incredulously. She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file. "Well you'll never believe it," she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten pounds." "Yippee!" exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it!" A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. "Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside. "But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!" "Well okay," says the captain, "but you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then." So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep. "Psst," says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin." The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! First they went down through the first class level: Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere. Then the second class: As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on... 3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock. "Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own." "I'm glad you like it," replies the captain, "but there is one more thing... Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise." Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen... Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived... ... and what a dive...! Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this. "That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?" "Um, well I've never actually dived before," replied the tramp. "Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen..." He broke off. "Hey, I've got an idea", he started again. "How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!" "It's a deal!" says our man. For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain comes to talk. "Okay, I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you." "Okay," agreed the tramp. Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck. Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal. "Well, tramp," said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie. And the tramp began to climb... up and up... below him the ship grew smaller... on and on... past a solitary albatross... and still higher... till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below... and on still further... / till the ocean grew dim... and the earth itself... began to shrink... past our moon... and on... and Mars... and on... higher, and higher... through the asteroid belt... and on and on towards the diving board... past the outer planets, until... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System... he reached the board. He climbed on top and radioed the captain... and then... .' '. . . . . he jumped. . . . . : Slowly at first, : but speeding up, : : : faster, and faster, : speeding past Pluto, : and the other outer planets, . . . . . . . . . through the asteroid belt, past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster, past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet, Down on the ship the crew strained their necks, "I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!!" The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove... NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE! DOWN THROUGH THE WATER! SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM! DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK! SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND! DOWN! DOWN! THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS! THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS! SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN! AND DOWN THROUGH THE DOUBLE-STRENGTH STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP! STILL DOWN...! DEEPER, DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS, TILL......... SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process. Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface. Up and up, desperate, gasping... Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim. "HERO!" "WONDERFUL!" "AMAZING!" "GOOD SHOW THAT!" And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd. "Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen." The tramp blushed. The captain went on, "but tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it." And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly: "Well you see... "For me to tell you, I'll need $49.95" The captain outrageously asked why. The tramp said "The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different heroes, As for cost, we selected initial values based upon data from the Open Beta and other adjustments made to milestone rewards before launch. Among other things, we’re looking at average per-player credit earn rates on a daily basis, and we’ll be making constant adjustments to ensure that players have challenges that are compelling, rewarding, and of course attainable via gameplay. We appreciate the candid feedback, and the passion the community has put forth around the current topics here on Reddit, our forums and across numerous social media outlets. Our team will continue to make changes and monitor community feedback and update everyone as soon and as often as we can."
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In this curated list, we’ve compiled the best dad-approved one-liners, groan-worthy puns, and cheeky quips guaranteed to deliver belly laughs. Share these crowd-pleasing jokes at work, family dinners, or parties—no prescription needed!
Mashin' Impossible.
The kind one hit 10 times, and the evil one hit 2 times. Because good always triumphs over evil.
And the actors pipe up and say ‘we are forming Equity because we need people to speak for us’ The singers and musicians overhear them and say ‘Ah well in that case we want an International Federation of Musicians, because we are the ones who need people to speak for us’ This catches the attention of the writers who say ‘Well if you two get people who speak for you then we want a screenwriters guild’ And then the ventriloquist says ‘we’ll be fine’
so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
Fet-ish, for sure
I think I need to banana.
Human Bing
An elderly couple were spending the weekend with their adult grandchildren, staying overnight on Saturday before heading home Sunday evening. When the grandfather found a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's bathroom cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The grandson said to him, "I don't think you should take one. They're quite strong and very expensive." "How much?" his grandfather asked him. "$10 a pill," his grandson replied. "I don't mind the cost, but I'd still like to try one, and before we leave, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the grandson found $110 under his pillow. He called his grandfather and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110." "Yeah I know, the $100 is from your grandma!"
Because they caught him looking at stenography.
They didn't planet that way.
A Pastor is at home when one of his mates drops by and invites him out to go out and do some hunting. The Pastor tells his mate, “I’m not real sure about that idea - the only place we can hunt around here is up at Old Joe’s, and he absolutely hates me.” Despite the misgivings, the Pastor’s mate manages to convince him to at least give it a go, and they pull up at Old Joe’s place. The Pastor says, “I don’t want Joe thinking I’m riding on your coat tails, so I’ll go up and ask him myself, and if he says no, then so be it” His mate agrees and waits nervously in the car while the Pastor goes up to the door. When Old Joe answers, he greets the Pastor really warmly. He says, “Pastor, I’ve been meaning to thank you - my wife came home a new woman after your sermon last Sunday, she’s stopped nagging, and she’s been really civil to me, the transformation has been absolutely incredible. Is there any way I can thank you?” The Pastor is quite taken aback by this unexpected welcome, but explains that they came in the hopes of being able to do some shooting on the property. Old Joe willingly agrees, then pauses for a second, and asks, “Hey Pastor, since you’re here, and you’ve got your rifle, could you do me a big favour? ‘Bessy’, my oldest cow that I’ve had almost forever, is really on her last legs - the vet told me I should put her down, but she’s won me so many prizes over the years. I just can’t bring myself to do it. Do you think you could do it for me?” Taken aback by the welcome, he willingly agrees. As he’s walking back toward the car, he sees his mate watching him anxiously through the windscreen, and realises his mate hasn’t heard any of the conversation. The Pastor decides to play a bit of a prank on his mate. He throws the car door open, jumps in, grabs his rifle, and says, “That cantankerous old so and so - he just called me every name under the sun - he used theological words in combinations I’ve never heard, but I’ll get him back - that’s ‘Bessy’ his prize-winning cow over there, but Watch this !!” Then aiming his rifle out the window, takes careful aim, and drops old Bessy dead. Before the Pastor can turn back toward his mate to see his reaction, there’s a second almighty bang, and his mate says, “And I just got the old bastard’s prize bull, let’s get out of here!!”
It was out in bumfuck nowhere.
An arm and a leg.
He's such a ruffer necker
A roofer employed a young lady as assistant on a trial basis. On her first day, he took her to a job site and told her to stay down while he worked on the roof. Her job was to be sending up whichever tool he needed in a basket that he would haul up by rope. All was going well and various tools were sent up from time to time and collected when the roofer sent them back down. All communication was by signing for whatever the roofer needed as he was too high up for his voice to carry. The roofer then needed a saw, and he made a sawing motion. The girl responded with a shake of the head. The roofer made the sawing motion again. This time, the girl pointed to him, to her left breast and then to her bottom. After a couple of these exchanges, the roofer made violent sawing motions, showing his anger. This time too, the girl pointed to him, to her left breast and to her bottom again. Angry and frustrated, the roofer came all the way down and berated her, "What's the matter? Can't you follow a simple instruction?" The girl replied, "What's wrong with you, being angry at me like that from all the way up there?" The roofer said, "I was signing that I wanted the saw and you wouldn't send it up." The girl said, "And I was signing that you left it behind."
There was just something missing
Usually it is all cheerful banter. Today however, 3 priests have a different opinion on a thorny theological issue than the 4th one who is convinced he is right. He shakes his head and says, “Dear God, please give a sign that I am right.” A pile of leaves next to the path suddenly lifts up, hovers for a few seconds, and gently floats down. “See! God gave me a sign!” The other jesuits shake their heads, one says, “come on it is just the wind.” The 4th priest now begs, “please God, give another sign that I was right”. Suddenly, from the sunny blue sky, a ball lighting drops down and incinerates 3 nearby trees in a flash. “See! God even shows that you 3 are wrong!” One of the 3 jesuits now says, “Just a peculiar atmospheric disturbance caused by static electricity on this dry hot day.” Exasperated, the 4th priest cries out “Dear God, can you please help me a last time to convince them?!” A sonorous baritone voice booms from the sky, “HE IS RIGHT !!!” The 3 priests look at each other and one mutters, “Well, it is still 3 against 2.”
dyslexic snake
It depends on the brand of vacuum.
The doctor said, “I also do circumcision. I think I can use the foreskin to make eyelids!” The surgery is a success. They bring the baby in and the dad holds him up to take a look. He says, “It looks good, just a little cockeyed”
The frat boy and the pirate see the cow and begin to question each other on what to do with it. This devolves into an argument, where they ask who each other works for. The cow then lets out a long moo. Both fall silent before exclaiming, "How did it know?!"
The Catholic one, because of all the potpourrie.
He had a few hours to kill.
Yahoo!
He looks just like Jon Hamm.
Just one, but you’d better have a high ceiling.
He left one of the funniest ones I’ve ever seen on his last day of work. Later I found out he wasn’t actually a dad which was kind of funny I guess.
I will make it to the car soon
followed by Batman.
Mother: Yanny! Laurel: Yeah?
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