While on vacation in Israel, an American wife asks her husband, "If, I die here and it costs $30,000 to fly me home and bury me, or $2,000 dollars to bury me here, what would you do?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I'd fly you home and bury you there." "Why would you spend the extra money," she gasps. "Well, because the only person I know that died in Israel, rose again 3 days later." >!Happy Good Friday & Easter yall!!<

but never has 5 letters.

They both go around Uranus and chase Klingons

Cowhide

And then they went on the endangered species list.

She heads over to the guy at the register and says, "D...d....dddddoo you sell any d...ddd...dildos?" He says, "Uh, yes ma'am we do." She replies, "D.dd..dd.do you have any dd.ddd.ddd..dd dildos that are p...ppp....pp..pink and t..t..tte. ten inches long?" "Uh, yes ma'am we do." "Well h...hhhh.how in the ffff...f.fff..fuck do you t.tttt.turn it off?"

When I got inside, it turned out to be a TOILET.

I told her that she definitely had

In fact, I can't be bothered to go at all!

I just tell everyone I have a pet Rock

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I looked in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh, well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

Now they're experimenting with busses, trains and airplanes to run on thyme!

Cross.

Bezos faceplant.

The interviewer said, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." I replied, "I don't give a fuck what you think!"

He’s *Rizz-en*!

Hypothermia.

She's drop dead gorgeous, has great style and I just cut a deadly silent one.

The new company is called “Hoppy Endings”

Has Dave come out yet?

It's not hard.

A JIZZillion!

A transformer

…and the clerk said, “No, it’s mostly just the regular porn stars..”

An epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

I went grocery shopping on an empty stomach. I am now the proud owner of aisle 5.

On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple had an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mom," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father only has six inches."

"Cancun. But I'm a little worried." "How come?" "Well, the last two vacations, my wife has ended up pregnant. Last year it was Las Vegas, and she got pregnant. The year before that it was Miami, and sure enough, she got pregnant." "Wow! You'd better take precautions this time!" "I'm planning on it. For starters, I'm taking her with me this year."

so seven asked the person if he had any final desires. the person stayed quiet for a while, and then said that he always wanted to take a trip to the beach. So seven worked hard and saved up money for the trip, after multiple jobs and 2-3 weeks of overtime he finally collected the money and tickets. They went to the beach, booked a resort, had as much as fun as they could. But as the sun was about to set, the person suddenly fell and coughed up blood. Seven came close and was crying and screaming for help, when the person with his dying breath said "This was my final fantasy, seven"

At least Toilet's Paper has more Shitation