How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

Wedding cake.

He was a little horse.

Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!

A Woman, who owns a pet gorilla, comes home to find that her gorilla has escaped his enclosure and has made his way up a tree in her front yard. After hours of trying to coax him down, she finally concedes to look for help. She finds an ad for an Animal Handler and makes a phone call. A short time later, a truck pulls up and a man with a cowboy hat, carrying a shotgun gets out with his dog. He approaches the distraught woman and she apprises him of the situation. He agrees to help her. The woman quickly asks him, “How are you going to get him down? He turns to the woman, hands her his shotgun, a pair of large handcuffs and describes his plan. “Ma’am, I will climb up the tree, then I will shake the branch your gorilla is sitting on, whereby he will fall to the ground. Once on the ground, my highly trained canine partner will chomp down on his balls rendering him subdued while you slap the cuffs on him until I get down from the tree.” He turns to begin his ascent up the tree when the woman calls out, “Wait! I know what to do with the handcuffs, but what is the shotgun for?” The man turns towards her as he grasps the tree trunk. “Well ma’am, if that gorilla shakes me off the branch, You Shoot That Damn Dog!”

Two babies are born in the same hospital, at the exact same time. Room 203, side by side in their little incubators. Nurses say it was adorable—both boys, blinking up at the fluorescent lights like they were already disappointed in the world. One turns his head, sees the other, and gives the tiniest nod. The other blinks, unimpressed. From that moment on, it's like they silently agreed to keep tabs on each other. They grow up in completely different cities, never meeting again. One becomes a history teacher with three ex-wives and a cat that hates him. The other ends up a jazz musician who always smelled faintly of whiskey and regret. Eighty years pass. Life happens. Wars, marriages, mortgages, prostate exams—all the highlights. Then, by some ridiculous twist of fate, they end up in the same hospital, in the same room, dying within hours of each other. The nurse says, “Wow, what a coincidence!” but neither of them is impressed. They’ve been through too much. They look at each other across their beds—old, wrinkled, tubes in every orifice imaginable. One squints and says, “You look familiar.” The other croaks out, “Room 203. 1945. Incubators.” Without missing a beat they both laugh, which quickly turns into coughing. Finally, one says, “So… what’d you think?” The other guy stares at the ceiling for a long moment and goes, “I just wish the boob-sucking part came at the end.” edit: This was unknowingly inspired by Steven Wright

Kikkoman while he’s down.

Nun.

They both survive, and the next day set out to explore the island. They see some seagulls, seals, coconuts, and also, rare psychoactive berries! Being who they are, they both eat a handful. Soon, they're high as balls, when they both hear singing. They jump up and rush toward the sound, thinking it's rescue, only to find a big busty mermaid coaxing them over to their boat! Overcome by lust, they both end up having sex with the mermaid before passing out on the shore. When they wake up, a coast guardsman is standing over them, glaring at them. He asks them, "What the hell happened here?" "Well," says one man, "We washed ashore in a storm!" The other, ashamed, adds, "And we did a bunch of drugs and blew a seal on our boat." Pausing, the guardsman frowns and says, "You fucked it too."

He heads straight to the bartender, orders three shots, and downs them one after the other. He scans the room, and the people shift uncomfortably. The tension is thick. Then, without a word, he walks out, and the atmosphere gradually returns to normal. Just as things begin to settle, the doors burst open. The man storms back in, guns drawn, and shouts, "My horse is missing! I'm going to order three more shots—and if it's not back where I left it before I finish, I’ll do what I did in Texas." Now, the tension is palpable. The bartender, hands trembling, begins pouring the drinks as slowly as he can, throwing anxiou looks around the room. The man finishes his second drink when someone rushes in and whispers something to him. He grunts in satisfaction and stands up. As he's about to leave, the bartender calls out hesitantly, "No disrespect, sir... but what exactly did you do in Texas?" The man pauses, then says, "Oh, nothing. I just walked home."

It was a lighthouse.