I recently lost a phalange on my foot, had it replaced with a fake one, and took a picture of it to send to my wife.

Son: Because pun-in-tan- dad!

The doc said I am fine but I feel like I have dyed a little on the inside

A cheatah

Asked during biology class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Wilson, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Wilson called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Wilson. Turning to Miss Arnold, he said, "I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."

Black eye please

The spore

On Christmas morning a man was enjoying opening presents with his family but every time he opened one he check to be sure that everything was there. “Cool, 4 steak knives. 1, 2, 3 and 4!” “A dozen wrenches? 1, 2, 3, 4….10, 11 and 12! Awesome!” “Four wine glasses, neat. 1, 2, 3 and one more makes 4.” This continued for some time and his family was growing increasingly annoyed with him. Yet he continued on. “Fifty fishing lures, oh my. 1, 2, 3, 4…” Finally God yelled, “Adam! It was one rib and it was years ago. Let it go!”

A crackdown

then you are technically the waiter

Because he kneaded a poo