My daughter always sneaks in a couple capital letters where they don’t belong.

A preacher goes to Alaska to hunt. He has a moose tag, and within a day, he manages to find a very large bull moose with a 60” antler spread. He gets to within 40 yards of the moose and has him in his rifle sights, then suddenly he sees a flash of fur, and realizes a very large Brown bear is charging towards him. He drops his rifle, gets on his knees and begins to pray, “Dear Lord, please make this bear a Christian!”. The bear immediately stops in his tracks, puts his paws together, looks up into the sky, and begins to pray… “Dear Heavenly Father, please bless this meal for which we are about to receive”.

He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

I wanted to try being an exhibitionist, so I went into this restaurant and sat down at the table and when no one was looking I took off all of my clothes. Maybe prison wasn't a good place to start.

A college freshman was mowing lawns for a summer job. At a particular house, having a huge yard, he was allowed to use the shower after he had finished. On one occasion, as he entered the bathroom, he was shocked to see the lady of the house stark naked. “Haven’t you seen a naked woman before,” she asked. “Yes,” he replied, “but on the previous occasions, I was paying them.” “Well, we can fix that. Your choice, the usual $200, or we can go have fun in bed.” The boy hesitated, knowing he needed the money, but her luscious body was too much to resist. After they had finished, she asked, “Well, was I as good as any of those filthy prostitutes you fucked?” “Yeah, in fact, you were the best prostitute I ever had!”

Something I learned in heinzsight

We eventually broke it off.

They succeeded where others failed because they had Atilla.

The agent then said: What kind of joke is this

I told her that close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and laundry hampers. And this is when the fight began.

There’s this guy, Greg, who builds a supercomputer out of a self service checkout machine he finds in a junkyard. This thing is next level powerful, to the point where it can use AI to predict the future to a shocking accuracy. He asks the machine - What stocks should I invest in? The checkout machine tells him McDonald’s. Heeding the machines advice, Greg invests in McDonalds. Sure enough, the company goes through a phase of profit and Greg gets a fair bit of money. He asks the checkout machine - how can I make more money? The checkout machine tells him to buy a specific painting from a local charity shop. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg buys the painting, which turns out to be priceless. He gets a shit ton of money. Not wanting to stop, he asks the machine - How can I make even more money? The checkout machine tells him that a rich CEO’s son, Tim, is staying in a hotel nearby. He can kidnap Tim and hold him for ransom. Heeding the checkout machines advice, Greg assembles a crew to kidnap Tim and hold him ransom. So the day comes. Gregs crew go to kidnap Tim, whilst Greg monitors their progress from his lair using the checkout machine The crew break into Tim’s hotel room whilst he’s sleeping. Now, funny story, Tim lost of one his eyes when he was younger. Very long story, business deal gone wrong etc etc. To replace it, Tim now has a fancy looking glass eye, which he takes out when he goes to sleep. Unfortunately for the crew, Tim has placed the glass eye on his bedside table, and as their preparing to grab him, the eye rolls off and hits the floor. SMASH. Tim immediately wakes up, sees the crew and starts fighting. He almost makes it to the door, but one crew member left there to guard knocks his lights out. The crew stuff him in a sack and put him in the boot of their car. The hard part is over. Unfortunately, the crew gets stuck in traffic on the way back, so they’re taking a really long time to get back to Greg. Back in his lair, Greg is panicking. It’s been a really long time. He thinks something has gone wrong with the heist. As the crew finally nears the lair, Greg hurriedly asks the checkout machine - Were there any complications? - Did they get Tim? - Where are they? And the checkout machine responds: UNEXPECTED EYE, TIM IN THE BAG, IN AREA