I watch a lot of TV

“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention Or to take arm against a sea of urine and, by opposing, relieve it. To go – to pee no more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d.”

But he never got around to it.

A wife, before traveling, asked her husband to take care of the cat. After a week, she called him to say hello and asked about the cat. He said to her: “Honestly, the cat died.” She started screaming and crying and said, “Shame on you… why did you tell me the news all at once? You know I can't handle it. You should’ve told me she was playing on the roof today, then tomorrow tell me she fell off the roof, then the next day say she died... Anyway… how’s my dad?" He said: “Your dad is playing on the roof.”

Bipolar.

He only had one pupil.

Tbh, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Meat Patty

They're used to living in a certain manor

You don’t have to suffer alone; The worst part? Having to always be the host.

He said, "it sounds like you have a-wristed development."