My mom once told me “nothing good happens after 2am.” I thought she was telling me to party less during college.

His pants fit him like a glove.

Dad: She gets that from me.

Put 24 carrots in it

So now I’m 3 feet tall, living in a cottage with 6 other dwarves and some girl in a gown and spending every day working in a mine singing “Whistle While You Work”

I work and my wife shops

I thought that was a bit mean !

edit: sorry for title typo Word gets around a huge crowd of scientists, journalists and excited people from around the globe to a convention where he demonstrates his incredible discovery. "I will now show you all this frog can indeed talk and not only that but answer any question!" he annouces "I asked myself the question in my lab and before I could google it the frog answered it for me!" The crowd cheers and the scientist leans over to the frog with the microphone and speaks. "What is the front page of the internet?" The frog croaks: "Red-dit!"

They were all detained by ice.

2 scientists discovered how to create life,the world is all aflutter! Senior scientist tells jr. scientist he needs to tell God we don't need him anymore. Bing! Hey guys,heard some great news about your creating life! Would you create some for me? Senior scientist says sure and the 2 begin to gather up a pile of dirt. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! says God. Get your own dirt!

I see this hot 50 something milf and I tell the bartender to send her a drink. A minute later she comes over and sits in the barstool next to me thanking me. She runs her foot up my leg as she leans and kisses my cheek. I realize that I'm getting cougared and I just let her do her thing. She slides her hand on my thigh to my bulge and says, "I want this, I live 3 minutes away, let's go!", giving my throbbing bulge a hard squeeze emphasizing her desire. We leave and the short drive to her house she had me so hard. I couldn't believe my luck. We barely get in the door and she's pinning me against the wall, grinding on me. She licks up my neck to my ear, and whispers,"you want some Mother/Daughter sex?" Ohhh I was so turned on I could all I could say is "Hell yes!". She turned her head and yelled up the staircase, " Mom get down here!"