A Lumberjack is walking in the forest…..

"Utilitarians offer a compelling argument for vegetarianism. However, I find that there is something fundamentally wrong with the utilitarian approach to animal ethics. Perhaps this extravagant analogy will help express my point. Utilitarianism reminds me of a joke. A biker, á la Easy Rider, travels with his inseparable companion dog. While on the road, they observe a moribund fawn. The biker’s attitude appears to be very compassionate: he pulls over to tend to the fawn and then says, “I can’t stand seeing you suffer.” He then draws his handgun and shoots the wounded fawn dead. Another time, he notices a car accident where a driver is still alive but in very bad condition. Again, he takes his gun and, reciting the same line, puts the man out of his misery. One day the biker himself has the misfortune of being t-boned by an inattentive driver. Waking after a short time in an unconscious state, he realizes that he has a few bruises but is not badly hurt, and he rejoices at the sight of his dog friend also having survived the accident. But when he notices that his dog is bleeding profusely, he gropes for his handgun and says, “I can’t stand seeing you suffer.” And just as he is about to pull the trigger, his dog shouts, “I’m not suffering! I’m not suffering!” -Carlo Alvaro

A man starts his own business. Within a few months, his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are looking good. A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realises that there is not enough work for his two employees and that he must let one of them go. But which one? Both Sarah and Jack were excellent employees in every respect. Tormented by the decision, the owner asks a friend for advice. His friend says, "When you go in tomorrow, watch them both, and fire the first one to take a break." So the next day the owner is watching his employees. Sarah seems to be having a headache - her brow is furrowed and she's massaging her temples. She gets up and goes to the medicine cabinet for an aspirin. The owner sees this as a break, and while he hates to do it, this is the signal he was waiting for to make his arbitrary call. The owner walks over to her and starts out, "Sarah, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." Irritated, she replies, "Can you jack off? I have a headache." And this is how Jack got laid off.

Spoiler alert >!The Rear Admiral's Rear.!<

That's the bear minimum.

They're out of this world.

It's a PayPal per view

The keyboard. Everybody is pushing its buttons.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm worried that I'll overthink the possible mental side-effects for this new medication I'm on, and placebo myself into having them." Doctor: "No issue there. Just take these Placebo Prevention pills. They'll make sure you don't mentally-think yourself into side effects you don't actually have." Patient: "Thanks! What's in them?" Doctor: "Can't say, but they're guaranteed to work. Take care!" *****Doctor and nurse leave room**** Nurse: "What's in these Placebo Prevention pills? I've never heard of them." Doctor: "Absolutely nothing."

Father: “Of course, where do you think #2 pencils come from?”