What do you call a spider's necessities?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "*You dirty rat!*" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "*You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!* At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbor". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one"!!!

A CUMmercial

The first posh friend says: "My husband just bought me a yacht." And the poor girl: "Oh, how wonderful!" The second posh friend says: "My husband just got us a huge house on the coast of Tahiti." And the poor girl: "Oh, how wonderful!" One of the posh friends asks the poor girl: "And your husband, has he bought you anything?" So she goes: "Yeah, he got me some diction lessons to improve my speech. So before I used to say 'axe' but now I say 'ask'; before I used to say 'exetera' but now I say 'etcetera'; before I used to say 'I don't give a flying fuck' but now I say 'Oh, how wonderful!'

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.

"A group of nuns is painting their convent on a hot summer day. Mother Superior tells them to hurry up and finish because the blind man is coming. The nuns get so hot from working in the heat that one suggests they take their tops off to cool down. Another says, 'OK, I guess it’s just a blind man that’s coming.' The blind man arrives and says, 'Nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?'"

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready. A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her naked body. He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat. A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations. When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" The man in the white coat shrugged: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

He got fired his first day.

But after a few appointments, I stand corrected

'The village barber shaves all the men in the village, who don't shave themselves. Does the village barber shave themself?' 'No.' 'But then the statement is wrong!' 'The statement is still correct, because the village barber lives in another village.' 'Ah, ok. But then 'Yes' could also be a good answer.' 'I think we just should ask her for ourselves.'

...but he said it might cause some internal bleating.