I’m not using Amazon anymore.

A guy is released from a challenged workshop to live on his own.  As he's walking down the street he sees a sign "Salesman wanted" and goes in.  He says to the guy behind the counter "Mmmm iiii ssstterrr, Iiii waaannnttt tooo apppllllyyy foooooorrrr yoooouuuurrrr jjjjjjjoooob."  The boss (with sympathy) says "Look buddy, I'm sorry, but this job requires talking to a lot of people every day and I don't think it's a good fit.  You have to sell 1,000 toothbrushes to make any money at all.  I'm sure that there are some great jobs for you, but I don't think that this would work." An the guy says "Pppllllleeeeeesssseeeeee.  I reeeaaaallllyyyy nnnneeeddd a jjjjjooobbbbb annnndddd IIi knnnnooooowwww  Iiii caaaannnn dooooo thhhhiiiissss onnneee." ... so the manager tries to kindly brush the guy off and he begs again... Finally, the manager gives in and says "Ok, I'll give you one day, but you have to sell 1,000 toothbrushes.  Here's your briefcase with brushes.  Come back tomorrow and let me know how it goes." ... The next day the guy walks in, looking pretty dejected.  When the boss asks how he did, he says "Iiiiii sssooooolllllddddd  threeeee toooottthhhhbbruuuuussssssshhhhheeeesss" and the manager says "See what I mean.  I'd love to help you, but I just think that there probably a different job that would work better for you." and the guy pleads "pppplllllleeeeaaaasssseee, jjjj jjjjj jjjjjjjjuuuuuuusssssstttttt ggiiiiivvvvvveeeee mmmmeeeeee onnnnneeeeee mmooorrreeee chhhhaaannnncccceeeee.." After some more pleading, the manager finally relents and says "Ok, I'll give you one more day, but if you don't sell a 1000 toothbrushes, I'm not giving you another chance." So the guy goes off cheerfully and comes back the next day, looking pretty satisfied with himself.  The boss says "So how's you do?" and the guy replies "Iiiii sssoooolllllldddd twwwoooo thooooouuuuusssaaaannnndddd tooootthhhbruuussshhhhheeessss!" and the boss, incredulous, says "How the heck did you do that?" and the guy says "Iiiii weeennnntttt doooowwwwnnnn iinnnnn thhhheeee suuuubbbbwaaaayyyy annnndddd sssseeeeetttt uuuppp a sssttttannnddd tthhhhaaaattt saaaaiiiidddd 'Ffrrreeee Dddiiiippp!' annnndddd peeeooopppllleee cammeee byyyy annnndddd Iiii'dddd giiiivvvveeee thhhheeemmmm a crrraaacccckkkkkeeerrr  wiiitttthhh soooommmeee diiippp.  Annnddd theeeyyy wooouulllddd takkkkkeeeee a bbbbiitteee annnddd saaaayyy 'Eeeewwwww! Thhhhaaaattt taaasssttteeess liiiikkkke SSSHHHIIITTT!' annnddd I wooouuulllddd ssssayyy 'Itttt ISSS! Waaanntt tooo bbbuuuyyy a toootthbbbbrruussshhh?'"

He pasta exam.

A Cat-holic

It was soul crushing.

Influenza

Thank God finally I won.

 "Yes, doc," I said, "but how did you know?" He replied, "Because I wasn't able to open your medical records."

He's a small arms dealer

He came in the mail.

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