I tried pushing the envelope

Both are coddead.

I was at the grocery store checkout with a large bag of dog biscuits and the clerk asked if I had a dog. I was feeling a bit crabby, so I told her no, I was starting The Dog Biscuit Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because although last time I lost 50 pounds, I ended up in the hospital in intensive care. Her eyes about popped out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that they’re nutritionally complete: the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with biscuits and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Finally she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I calmly said, "No… I was sitting in the street licking myself when a car hit me."

What the world really needs is a windshield wiper that won't hold parking tickets.

I've received reports of hard consonants.

I said to the police "wait, I can explain everything!"

They sleep longer in bed

You'd still be in debt but at least you saved four years.

Catering

"Stuff", he replied.

One says, 'Eat the chocolate.' The other says, 'You heard them... eat it!'"